Famouse dude

I met the most obscurely famous dude ever tonight. In fact, he is so obscure I am not sure I even met him or if he was lying about who he was. Will be sure in about 2 months. Anyway, he saw the show tonight and talked my ear off.

In case you missed the show

Here is the video.

Thesis

Yall like reading thesis papers about the economics of hippity hop?

Here you go.

Big Show TOmorrow

3 Dollar beer and country music at 29th and 2nd ave 7pm. Paddy Reilly's. See yall there.

Law Talking

Last Thursday the real cops called me to come in and do a line up like in the movies to ID the knife dude who had robbed me. I hung out for about 2 hours until finally being escorted into this little dungeon room to peep through a little one way mirror at the perps. They had six sketchy characters for my perusal and I spotted my little creep right off the bat. I kinda felt bad for the little ferret looking dude all trapped like that like some kinda animal but not bad enough to not finger him.

If I'd have messed it up they woulda let him go, but I nailed it so it was grand jury testifying for me Monday. I went down town to the DA's office, got lost for about an hour in the huge confusing labyrinth they used for a building and then finally sat with the assistant DA to get my story straight. Then off we go to the grand jury room where I had to swear in (which oddly enough involved very few swear words) and tell what ha' happen. It took the grand jury about 5 minutes to indict so now it is either the perp pleads guilty or goes to trial. He will probably plead guilty cuz there was a girl that he had mugged without his max on also there who testified against him.

I got ten dollars as a witness fee from the court house so when you take into account the five bux i lost in the mugging I have made 100% profit. I am now trying to figure out a way to expand on this excellent business model and retire in a few years.

Best Day Ever

I saw a dude get horsed today. One of the carriage horses at central park totally head butted this dude and knocked him on his ass. Oooooooh the youtube hit I would have on my hands if I had been filming.

Repost

Still can't believe Cannibal Corpse made THIS video.

Drew Brees vs. Olympic archers

Excellent video of Breesus being sort of accurate.

More Magic

David Blaine

SLieght of Hand

I wish I could do this but don't wanna practice or bother.

Sometimes I Even Amaze Myself

Yesterday after running, i was legging it home through the park when I heard birds squawking overhead. I thought to myself "that sounds like a blue jay distress call". Sure enough I looked up and saw about 4 blue jays flapping around. I didn't see any predators though and thought I must have misheard the call but then I spotted the hawk hidden amongst the upper branches of their tree eyeballing them.

You don't have to say how awesome I am. I already know.

Obama Wins Peace Prize

Hurray!!! About time he got some recognition for all the....uh...wait a minute. What exactly did he do?

Dream Interpreter

Last night I dreamed I was in Gandhi's entourage at a rally in Mexico. The cops came in wearing sombreros and chained us all together and arrested us. What the hell could that mean?

Schroedinger's Cat

I always thought the dead/alive cat thing was silly. Even the genius dude who thought up the example didn't really think the cat was two things:

Schrödinger was as aware of this as anybody. He talks about his hypothetical cat and says, more or less, “Okay, if you believe what my equation says, you must believe that this cat is dead and alive at the same time.” He says, “That’s obviously nonsense, because it’s not like that. Therefore, my equation can’t be right for a cat. So there must be some other factor involved.”

800 Dead in Afgahnistan in 8 Years

That doesn't really seem too bad to me for a war. Especially since I am currently watching a sweet documentary series on WWI. That war was brutal.

Just how badly do you want those Dodgers tickets?

Email forward from today.

Where is nilk skinny pic?

You got before and after pix? I think I am about 4-5 lbs lighter since two weaks ago. Don't have a scale but can really tell pants getting floppy. I need to do at least another 5 by race day.

Where is nilk skinny pic?

Wanna Chonga

Sunday we are making Chimi Chongas at the Saints game at Marx. I can't wait but I gotta pay for it in advance with no eating all week. Them chongas gonna be so good.

Running Sux

I should be able to finish the 5k but damn if I will do it with any kind of speed. I ran today and nearly died. Hopefully it was just cuz I didn't eat a damn thang all day and was starving.

Children at Church

Worshiping.

Taxi

Do NYC cabbies have to take you anywhere in the city? If you grab a cab at Yankee Stadium does he have to take you to JFK if you request it? Staten Island to Harlem? Or can they just say sorry dude, you gotta walk and bus it like Martin.

Bad Guys Busted

Well, we caught the bad guys on camera and they will be arrested. I did a little sleuthing around and was able to figure out that there were 2 people involved with the mugging. I even found out their names and where they live. Yesterday I went to the police station to view some security video they uncovered that they thought might show the bad guys.

The video shows me walking by followed by the exact two bad guys who I figured were involved stalking me. A couple of minutes later shows the knifeman running away. I knew for sure the knife guy was involved but was delighted to see that not only was I right about the other guy but now had evidance to back me up. And the cops agree with me and will be picking them up. I may get to do some sweet testifying if I am lucky. I really hope I get to gloat and rub they stupid faces in the fact that I win in the end. I also want my 5 bux back.

Girls Rock the Boyz

Thursday night I was walking home from the country gig. I should play more gigs btw cuz I fucking kill em. Anyway, at about 110th st as I get close to Columbia this drunk college couple is hanging out in front of a bar. By drunk I mean hammered and they are having a kinda of argument. I overhear the dude (who was humongous) saying that he likes to flirt with all the girls in all the bars but it doesn't mean anything cause he never fools around with them.

So as I am walking past, the chick (who was fantastically hot) says "well how about this then" and she turns to me and raises her shirt, under which there is no brassier, and shows me a perfectly shaped boobie. Not the set, just a single.

So now the dude is mad. But he's not mad at her. Nooooo. He's mad at me. Like I did anything. So he yells at me "oh yeah, I bet you like that huh? You like that?" Of course I loved it. Who wouldn't? But that doesn't mean he should be mad at me. He should be mad at her slutty ass. He is only falling for her tricks cause this is exactly the reaction she wanted from him.

I didn't have time to say all that though and he was so drunk I doubt I could have gotten him to understand my dead-on point so instead I just stammer "I'm just walking by man".

"Yeah?" he says "well KEEP walking."

Then I hear the girl holler at me "yeah, keep walking!"

Ridiculous. She was the one showing boobie to start the whole trouble. Not me. When I was a block away they were already making out hard core.

Some Things Just Don't Seem Like They Should Mix

I got an email invitation to a rock climbing/whiskey tasting event.

The Race is On

So Mark and Martin and me are doing a 5k jog next month. O horrible jogging. I have been running every day and it is getting easier but I really gotta lose some delicious weight if I gonna go fast. Trouble is this is the beginning of football season and I really enjoy a beer and a football game.

And by "a beer" I mean several beers. And by "a football game" I mean nachos.

Righteous

For Beverley

Just kidding, this one's for her

God willing, I'll be seeing these holy hitz live on Friday. Amen.

Fashion Comes Back Around

Why oh why can't this hairstyle come back?


I mean, whoever looked at this hairstyle and thought "well, i guess it's now completely fucking stupid looking. Let's give it a shot"?

Personalized Links

For Me Only

For Mark Only

For Jock Only

For Nilk Only

For Martin Only

Muggenator

So, did you really get robbed at knife point?

Of Course.

Where?

In the ribs.


I am kinda pissed that I chickened out and didn't fight the mugger but it was certainly the smart choice cause losing a knife fight is tons worse than losing a regular one. I am kinda proud though that I didn't really freak out and think I handled myself rather admirably during the whole ordeal all things considered.

It wasn't nearly as scary as you would think to have a masked knife man telling you he is gonna fuck you up. I think it was because this particular knife man was so scared and nervous himself that he didn't really menace me properly. Plus, he was about my size and I kinda thought I could beat him up if it came to it.

I guess to have a true test of how brave I am I would need to get mugged by a huge muscle dude who was a pro and not nervous and scared at all come at me and see how I react.

But I ain't going out of my way to volunteer for that.

Goddamn Bums

I told you those bums were getting more aggressive. I just got robbed at knife point. Well, not JUST. A few hours ago. I been chillin at the police department. 10 points to the first person who can guess what he looked like.

American Dummy

I always felt kinda dumb about myself cause I don't know shit about American history and the presidents. Werl no more. Last night I memorized all 44 presidents in order. It weren't hard. All I had to do was write a boring little song about them and now they are all upstairs for good. If only someone would write a song with every english word followed by the spanish translation.

Also, Remember this?

Militant Obama Kids.

Also, Remember this?

Militant Obama Kids.

I Pledge

Have you seen this puke inducing I Pledge video? One of the pledges is "I pledge to be a servant to the president and to all mankind". A servant to the president? Fuck him. He's my servant. How is this kinda shit even remotely thought to be cool?

Also they want you to not flush the toilet after you take a piss to save water. So you have a fester pool of sewer water in your living quarters. Piss on that.

Rich's Rule of Internet Usability

The internet is great source of information provided the thing you are interested is not likely to generate a profit for anyone.


EG

I could google Austia-Hungary and immediately get tons of useful facts about this empire of yore. No one thinks they can make any money off these facts so no one gives a fuck.

Google lasik eye surgery. Say I wanna know who invented it and what the fuck it is about. Well tons of fucks think they can make money selling me this service so no info is easisly available about it. Only fuckface clinics that want to sell me shit. I love capitalism but man do I sometimes hate capitalists.

Rich's Rule of Internet Usability

Only For Mark

Chonk

States I need to go to

I would like to visit all fifty states eventually. I am not really even close but here is what's missing:

Alaska
Connecticutcut
Hawaii
Idaho
Indiana
Iowa
Kansas
Maine
Minnesota
Montana
North Dakota
Ohio
Organ
South Dakota
Utah
Wisconsin
Wyoming

33/50

Parkside Show

Played a solo show last night. Bout 15 people came to see, all strangers. Killed em. Best songs of mine crowd reaction wise were:

BoomshakalakalakaBoomshakalaklakaBoomshakalakalakalakalake Blues

Hard Drinkin Woman

Sweet Country Pussy.

Hard Sports

What thing in sports looks the easiest but is really hard? I nominate boxing. It looks so simple. Just punch that dude head. But if you ever try to hit a head that is dodging and weaving it is impossible. Plus it is exhaustinating. Go try to throw punches in the air for 3 minutes. You wont last the round.

McDonalds black?

What is up with this?

End of US?

The US debt is getting close to 12 TRILLION. The PROJECTED deficit for the next 10 years was just raised to 9 trillion. So unless something changes the national debt will be 21 trillion at that time. The USA GDP is only 14.3 trillion. Pretty soon we are gonna have more debt than we can pay off in a year if all we did was pay off debt. The interest alone on 21 Trillion will be close to a trillion bucks per year.

Currently the US debt per citizen is $38,000. Private debt per citizen (credit cards, mortgages etc.) is $24,000. So the US needs $62,000 per citizen to be debt free. Per capita income (average income) in the US is $40,000. Good luck paying off the $62,000 per.

What gets really scary is when you look at the unfunded liabilities of Medicare, Social Security and the new Federal Presciption Drug buy plan we now have. The government will need to drain $192,000 per person to fund those programs at the current benefit rate.

So a grand total of $254,000 per person is needed presently and they want to add another 9 Trillion in debt to our bill. A quarter of a million dollars per person or we are fucked.

We're Fucked.

WWI

Does anyone else love World War One? Most people think WWII is where it's at but I for me the sequel can't live up to the real thing. Anyone know any good WWI movies?

Bad Ad Placement

Stupid computer geniuses.

Movie Star

I was an extra in another movie today. That brings my NY movie total up to two. SeeSaw (I'm in the trailer but there is no way you will see me) and now Joe Average.

Labor Pains

Why when baby announcements are made do people tell you that it was done with c section? I mean I don't mind knowing but isnt that kinda private info? People dont always go around telling about all their other medical info.

Prison

Why do they let prisoners rape and kill each other in prison? If it is as common as people act like it is it seems like cruel and unusual punishment. I can see making folk cool they heels in a cell but you wouldn't put someone in a cell with a crazy chimp who is gonna fuck em up. Why can you put them with a crazy human that will?

It Begins

Hell Yeah

Rich's Links of the Day

Wierd Song

New Poll

Global Warming Real Or Fake?

Sweet Optical Illusions

I want a house made out of these.

Jock Missed Out

Maybe it was better he missed this cause my knee didn't get bent in half but Wednesday was sweet mud football in central park with the Mexicans.

Y'all Seen Micheal Jackson's Hair Catch Fire Yet?

What are you saving it for?

Speaking of ABBA

THIS VIDEO combines the two funniest sub sets of human ever. Japanese aaaaand Seventies.

ABBA Elf

This dude from ABBA really looks like an elf to me. If I ever met an elf Andy didn't look like this I would tell him keep trying.

Tambourine

I am retarded at the tambourine. I don't have the best rhythm in the world but I am pretty damn good. If I really concentrate I can keep a steady beat. However, put a tambourine in my hand and I am constantly late. Something about the tambourine is fucked up and it somehow makes the sounds later than you think it is gonna make them and you sound like a fool. I woulda thought something was wrong with me but Mark was shitty at it too at first.

Sexiest Man

This story about Elvis grbec is pretty damn funny.

New Poll

Is Hillary Clinton a stupid cunt for having that special made sling? Can't she just have a normal sling like everybody or does she have to show off with everything? Or is it classy? maybe it's classy to get special made medical devices that tell your rank.

What you thank?

Switcheroo Number too/

Me and mark and martin went to mexico on vacation.

Martin came back to the hotel room with a kilo of cocaine.

"Dude" he says "this horrible mexican gave me a thousand bucks if we sneak this cocaine across the border".

"that seems dangerous" I say "how the hell are we gonna do that"?

"I don't know" he says "maybe put it in the tires of our car as we drive across".

"Or maybe we can put it in our shampoo bottles so the dogs won't smell it" He says.


Mark comes busting in from the other room all excited.

"I have an idea! We can each take an over loaded condom up our assholes" he says.

"I don't know" says I "what if it busts and all the cocaine gets in our systems'?

Mark looks confused "What cocaine"?

Joke Template

The Switcharoo.

This joke is when you think someone is talking about something but they are really talking about something else, preferably embarrassing. It's kinda hard to describe and is better just to give an example. So.....:


I was playing guitar at this little dive down town. I had played there before so they knew me. About halfway through the set I asked if anyone had any requests. From the back some dude started hollering "SWEET COUNTRY PUSSY. I WANT SWWWWEEEEET COUNTRY PUSSSSAY!!!!"

I was like "aw yeah? you like that song huh?"

He looked at me and said "What song?"

comediens

I saw a list of top 100 comedians and it is clearly stupid cause they had assholes like Lenny Bruce and George Carlin at the top. Those guys fucking suck. Louis CK is at the top pricks.

Pointless Question

My friend Troy axed me this one. Would you give up a leg to be able to travel mars and venus in person?

I said hell no. He said he would do it. I told him he was a fucking idiot.

Bette Davis Eyes

I never knew Mark choreographed a video until I got to the face slap part of this one.

Global Wazzu?

So how psyched are you that the house of reps passed "the largest tax in American history" yesterday? I am super psyched because they did it so that we will stop the climate from changing. You know, the thing that has been constantly changing since the beginning of the earth? That thing. It will now stop changing because we have figured out what the perfect climate is and we know how to control it. Politicians will now be reffered to as Jesuses.

Micheal Jaxon

So he died and all. What a truly weird dude. He may have been the craziest person ever still capable of speech. He was also pretty evil I guess. I mean if you list terrible things to do, raping children has to be very high on the list. Probably raping them to death is number one.

He could sing like the dickens though. What is your favorite song of his? Mine is Smooth Criminal.

Men At Work

At work ripping off children's songs.

Show this Friday

Find a bad song in our set list. You can't.

Two Shots Of Whiskey

Daddy Don't Live Here No More

Paternity Test

Prettiest Girl In The Bar

Dive Bar

Whiskey

Small Town Woman

You Caught My Eye
Hard Drinking Woman
Baby Come Home and Eat Biscuits With Me

Covers will be:

If You've Got the Money Honey, I've Got the Time (Willie Nelson)
The Race

(George Jones)
East Bound and Down (Jerry Reed)
Holiday Road (Lyndsay Buckingham)
Angel Flying Too Close To The Ground (Willie Nelson)
Mama Tried (Merle Haggard)
Hey Good Looking (Hank Sr)
Baby's Got Her Blue Jeans On (Mel McDaniel)

Rich's Links of the Day

Retarded Policeman

Remember That Time?

..............

Sometimes Good Musicians do Kareoke Too

Just listen to Lyndsay Buckingham pretend to sing.

Greatest Instrument

Probably piano. Maybe guitar. Piano cause it can pretty much play any part and if you have a competent pianist you can put on a show with out any other instruments. Guitar too but less so.
Guitar is great cause name your top 100 favorite songs and guitar is probably in all of them.

Greatest instrument you don't really hear is bass. If all of a sudden the bass gets dropped out of a song you are hearing it really sounds much worse. Funny thing is bass sounds pretty terrible by itself. If you listen to just a bass line you will be bored as hell but add it to a song and rock the fuck out. Same thing for drums but they are much more obvious in casual listening. My favorite thing about recording fattest girl was when the dude would drain the drums and bass out so we could hear the vocals and then when he brought them back it it was like dropping the hammer.

Pedal Steel

Man was that guy ever awesome. I was kinda embarrassed to play along he was so good. The band is now approximately 300% better.

Pedal Steel

I get to practice with the pedal steel guy today. Very excited. The band is gonna sound sweet as hell pretty soon. Also, my meet up group has so far gotten 29 people to express interest in coming to the gig next week. Maybe good band, good crowd is the way to go.

Good Deed Averted

I found a phone in the cab Saturday Night. The owner called and I tole him to text his address to it and I would get it to him. No problem right? Well, his phone ran out of juice and I have no idea where he lives and my charger doesn't match his phone.

Cluster Fuck.

Do You Have Gay Hands?

I saw a study recently that researched a bunch of gay and straight dudes and found that if you are straight your ring finger is noticably longer than your index finger. If you are gay they are about the same. Of course I had to immediately check my hands out to see which clubs I would be hitting this weekend......

good 3/8 of an inch straight.

Suprise?

I can't believe government doesnt know what the hell it is doing!

late night

I can hear a hard core fist fight going on outside. Lots of yelling and fighting sounds and girls screaming.

Glass breaking.

Now cop siren.


In other news here is one of my favorite tv theme songs.

Toys L Us

Here is a sweet example of a chinaman switching the L's and R's.

New Band Memer

Got a new dude in the band. It is the sweet pedal steel player in this video. It is not the horrible cheesy singer dude.

Poison Ivy

We has three and a half trees knocked down by Hurricane Gustav, and we got an additional three trees removed afterward. The tree guys take all the wood and grind the stumps as part of the deal. But what they do not do is dispose of the stump shavings, leaving it up to me.

So I bought a pitchfork and tossed that shit into the back of my truck. It took me nine loads to dispose of it all. If you're wondering why I didn't use it for mulch, it's because it's too acidic right after it's been cut. So where I dumped it apparently had poison ivy, or as the doctor calls it, dermatological disorder, and I got it really bad.

I haven't had poison ivy since 2000, when I missed a week of work. I had some bumps here and there, but I just figured my immunity was building, which allegedly happens. But this time I got it on my eyes, which swelled to the point where I could hardly see. I remembered rubbing my eyes, which means the the poison ivy was probably not in my yard, but rather where I dumped the shit at the undisclosed location. I suffered badly for three days before I got a steroid shot, after which I not only dominated in volleyball, but didn't sleep for two days. But the rash went away. Thanks for performance enhancing drugs. Would a baseball player get suspended if he got a poison ivy shot?

In Other News

I started a country music meet up group in New York City. Martin thinks I am a horrible idiot and person but 11 people have said they will come to my next gig on the 26th of June. We'll see who is right.

Rich's Links of the Day

Nothing has been happening.

Hawk

I saw a big ass hawk the other day in central park. it chilled for a while then swooped down and ate a squirrel. How can squirrels take to live with the possibility of that hanging over they heads?

Old Joke

When Martin and I started working at Don's Seafood and Steakhouse they were very adamant about keeping up the image and professionalism of the establishment and wait staff. Before they would allow any waiter on the floor they made you watch this video tape. Not only that you had to sign and date a document saying that you had watched the tape and fully understood what it was about and everything it had said and agreed to act in accordance with it.

The video tape?

Tron.

Rich's Links of the Day

Galifinakus is wierd.

Dreams

Anyone have any cool dreams lately? I love kick ass dreams. Sooooo weird sometimes and yet you are tricked that they are real. I had a horrible nightmare this week that Mark got his left leg pulled off by the engine of a pleasure boat. I had to squeeze his floppy arteries to keep him from bleeding to death. Why the hell would I do that do myself? What makes me wanna think up that and scare myself with it?

Swine Flu

To me there's only one question: How can we get rich off this shit?

Rich's Links of the Day

Mind Yo Biznass

James Brown

Sometimes James Brown didn't feel like writing a fucking song. But there was a show to do so fuck it.

OOOOOOhhhhhhh Shit

They invented the term lol for this video.

Jokes I Don't Get

"Tennis Anyone?"

People will say it when they see something tennis related. Others will laugh. I have no idea why. Doesn't seem to work with any other sport or activity.

"Dr. Livingston I Presume?"

Similar to tennis anyone but there seems to be no special reason why people say this one. Apparently it goes back to some British dude named Dr Livingston who went to Africa and then another British went looking for him and when he found him he said this and they both fell out laughing.

"Taste Like Chicken"

If someone tries a new dish and they are asked how it was they will say this. Hilarity ensues.

"What Exit?"

If a New York meets someone from New Jersey they will ask this and all the New Yorkers laugh. I have gotten several different people to try to explain this one to me. They say it is because there is the Jersey Turnpike which goes all the way down Jersey and people who live in Jersey have to exit to go home. This seems like it would be true for most states though.

"You Workin Hard or Hardly Workin?"

If you work in a plumbing supply house at least 25% of the plumbers who come in to buy shit will say this to you every day. Even if they said it 4 times already in the week, on Friday they will still say this at you. Your coworkers will laugh. You will not.

Volley

To see my pictures from Fud's you should be able to click here. As I looked back through them I regret not getting more pictures of the tournament as a whole. I fear you can't grasp the sheer size of it. Also more chix.

And good god no would any team of us beat that wallyball team Nilk posted. No way.

Rich's Links of the Day

Google Search results can predict the future. I just googled "I win the lottery and start gyrocopter polo league."

Heaven

Help Us Baby's Got Her Blue Jeans On

Protesters

You know how they have protesters? I hate that stupid shit. Who do they think opinions they changing? No one's. I especially hate how proud they are of themselves for getting arrested. The only way you get arrested is if you intentionally want to be. No one believes your stupid story of police brutality.

Swine Flu

Y'all worried? I remember when it was bird flu everyone vexed over. Wake me up when they get to Donkey Bronkitus.


AKA Donkey Bronk.

Band of Brothers

I just saw a clip of Band of Brothers when they were parachuting into Normandy on D Day and couldn't help thinking the director made a huge mistake in scoring the film by not using "It's Raining Men" for that scene.

The 300 Dude didn't fuck up.

Obama's 100 Days`

Obama is bout to complete his first 1oo days and his supports are claiming him as the best president ever. How the hell can anyone claim something like that either way after such a short time? Jackassery.

In a related story I am working on a Super Hero personality for the pres named

" 'morock Yomama "

I forgot to add that he battles crime by going to the bad guys' house and fucking their mom.

Sets on the Beach

I've been playing organized volleyball for a few years now, working my way up from sand virgin through the ranks. This spring I finally started playing in "A" Leauge with the big boys, and it's challenging but I'm competitive. I made a big jump from last spring and I'm proud of my progress.

However, tomorrow I leave for Destin for five days to play in the big Fudpucker's tournament. This will be the metric to see how good I really am, as people come from all over to play in this largest amateur sand volleyball tournament in the nation. But of course, even if I play badly I'll be on the beach for five days and there are parties every night and pickup ball every day. I hope to have pictures.

Poll Results

100% of Americans think Obama is making us look like pussies. (margin of error +/- 3%).

He sure didn't help his cause by paling around with Hugo Chavez and accepting a book from him that basically said "fuck you America".

Shitty Parking Spot

The is a parking spot underneath the subway station by my house that totally sucks. First of all it is an illegal parking spot so if you park there you will get a ticket. It has no signs or indication at all that I can see telling you it is illegal. The only way I know is I see cars there with tickets all the time.

Second of all, for some reason the subway station is 40 feet up in the air here. The station one stop up is underground. The one one stop down is underground. But here, it is a skyway. You would never be able to tell when you parked in this spot but right above it is apparently the coolest place to hang out if you are a filthy pigeon. So every day when I come home I see a car in that spot covered with tickets and massive amounts of pigeon shit.

I call the name

A while ago Martin and I were watching a baseball game in a bar near two Korean dudes. Martin started talking to them about something or other and I thought they were talking about a chinese player. His last name was apparently Chiu (pronoced chew) cause I thought martin called him "Big League Chiu". I thought it was a fucking awesome nickname for a chinese ball player. Turned out however Martin was actually talking about bubble gum.

So when a chinese dude named Chiu eventually shows up in the the big time and everyone starts calling him "big league chui" you'll know who to thank.

Me baby.

Rich's Links of the Day

Yall see this dude pass out on tv yet? He tells what he is gonna do then he does it. All that is missing is him say "down I go".

We saw Dolly Parton tribute Saturday. The chick who sang this was the best.

Pointless Question

Humans don't have much hair as far as mammals go. Do you think we look as disgusting to other mammals as hairless dogs look to us?

Citi Field

Can I get a review? And where is Chapman's draft analysis for fantasy baseball?

Rich's Links of the Day

Here we are. Born to be kings, we're the princes of the universe. Seriously what are the odds that BOTH parties would have a sword handy for the battle?

Women

Remember that time Jock axed about what women are bad at? I say sports. Women really bring the suck compared to dudes in general. The most annoying thing is you aren't supposed to notice it. Remember how Lilero got abused at the stock exchange for noticing that any NFL team could field a basketball team that would crush any WNBA team? Who would ever actually argue the opposite?

Keep in mind a major part of basketball is the slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam dunk.

New Poll

North Korea launched a missile and we didn't do shit. Pirates attack our boat and we not doing shit. Is Obama pussing out or is he doing aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalriiiiiiiight?

50 Dolla Tourny Losers

Alright Losers. Mail y'all chex to

184 Claremont Ave #5S
NY NY 10027

Luggage racks

Does anyone use them? When was the last time you saw luggage on a luggage rack? What percentage of luggage racks that you see on the Interstate are in use? Four-thousandths of 1 percent?

A cursory view out of my office window reveals eight cars, five of which have luggage racks. And you don't see them on sedans anymore, just on SUVs. Wouldn't you need it more on a sedan and less on an SUV?

Good Deed Not Averted

Well maybe I ain't entirely evil after all. I took the wrong train home last night and wound up in the middle of Harlem. To get to my stop I woulda had to go all the way back downtown, switch trains and then come back up to my stop. It woulda taken forever so I decided to leg it. Upon exiting the station I was immediated accosted by a bum asking for some shit. As I avoided eye contact and tried to speed by him I noticed that he wasn't actually a hobo but a man whom God had forsaken in a wheel chair and he was asking for help down the stairs. Of course I can't not help some legitamate wheelchair guy down the stairs. You'd have to be some kinda devil not to help.

So there I am trying to lower his heavy ass down over 20 stairs. He out wieghed me by about 50 lbs so it was much harder than I anticipated. Also, he kept leaning forward and grabbing his brakes asking if I needed him to put them on. Whenever he did this he made it unbearably heavy and I could feel the rubber handles slipping. I could see him going head over nubs all the way down in my mind. I kinda sternly told him to cut it out but he kept doing it and I was not gonna make it all the way like that.

Then came the bad guy. I saw him coming up. Huge black hooligan. Do rag and gold. If it were a movie he would be the killer. Exactly what I didn't need. He said "damn dog" and ran up and grabbed the bottom of the chair. Sweet relief. We made it down easily. The wheelchair dude tried to give us money but of course we said no. We did the fist bump and went our seperate ways. Then I ran through scary harlem for 10 blocks to my side of town.

Rich's Links of the Day

The Crazy Gunman that shot up the joint yesterday is described as ethnically Chinese but from Vietnam. Doesn't that describe everyone from Vietnam?

Awesome Old School Country Song

If You've Got The Money Honey.


By Willard Nelson. If you ever walk into an old saloon and they weren't playing this. You're in the wrong movie.

Chicks

This probably should be one of Scoot's pointless questions, but I'll go ahead and do it. What jobs are women exponentially worse at than men? Probably all of them, but some more than others. I'll go first. Comedian. I listen to XM comedy stations constantly and it's extremely hit and miss, but the ladies miss at an egregiously high percentage. I can definitely count on one hand the number of comediennes who have made me even crack a smile. Lisa Lampanelli comes to mind. And nobody else. What other professions do chicks suck at?

American Culture

Do you know much about original american culture before Europeans got here? I dont'. All I do know is that this traditional Indian song kicks ass.

Robot Makes Scientific Discovery

Some robot has made a theory about yeast and tested it and analyzed the results. It is only a matter of time now until some enterprising young robot comes up with the theory "Kill all humans?" and gets the results analysis "Affirmative".

Then the robotic utopia with no human interference in the constant dance offs and little happy robot children singing "Ro Ro Ro your Bot" all the live long day.

Rich's Links of the Day

If you don't like this I aint got nothing for ya.

Also, I have never met anyone who doesn't like this sketch. I also know of no one who can explain why.

I forgot in the earlier story that one of the lines of the song was "nothing can stop the dook of Earl". Too perfect.

My neck. My back.

Both the X-rays and MRI on my neck came out "normal." So I got sent to physical therapy. The PT jerked my neck around for 45 minutes, then she sent electricity through me for another 15 and that made me twitch. Then I did neck exercises (nexercises?) for 15 minutes and went back to sit on the examining table. She climbed on the table and stood behind where I was sitting, so that the back of my head was even with her hoo-hah. As she was slapping me around, ostensibly to "determine my range of motion," she was rubbing all against me. Not in the good way though. Basically this is an excuse to tell you my PT is way hot and if you go to this page you can see a mug shot of her. Ashley Fife. It's the best I could do.

Good Deed Averted

I was cruising around on the horrible subway yesterday. When I got to my stop there was an oldish lady trying to get on with a cart full of bags. It was too heavy for her and she needed help getting it up the two inch difference twixt platform and train. She called out for me to help her. It was very slow and I was the only one around so I figured I would play the boyscout and help her up for my daily good one. As I was about to grab the bottom of the bags I was struck by a wave of stench that washed over me and I noticed that this was no lady, but a female bum. I faltered. Looked around confoundedly. Nearly was so shamed as to grab the bags and push her in any way but I couldn't. It was too filthy. It would have been like putting my hands in an anus. I sprinted out the exit as she hollered after me.

Pointless Question

Nature

What's the coolest nature thang you ever saw in person? I once saw a hawk snatch a squirrel off the ground and it was fucking awesome. I also saw a rattlersnake coil up and shake at me before I killed it with a rifle.

Things I have Done

When I used to work at Countrywide there was a big black English dude named Earl who processed the submitted loans. Whenever he wanted to use the restroom he had to walk past my desk. Sometimes he would just go and sometimes he would take a newspaper with him. On the occasions that he took a newspaper I got into the habit of singing "Duke of Earl" at him as he passed. Of course this was too irresistible and pretty soon everyone in the area was joining in and adding harmonies and shit. We were actually pretty good sounding. Earl hated it but laughed every time anyway.

Rich's Links of the Day

Catchiest Song Ever

Remember those dorks in middle school who used to where Misfits shirts? That band is actually kinda kick.

In keeping with the theme of old ass things I never heard of but now love check out this song by SLADE.

Or THEESe. If you don't like Slade there is something wrong with you.

Nerds do mean things to other nerds. To a sweet sound track aforementioned as it turn out.

Rich's Links of the Day

I am losing track of the things to be scared of that will end the world.

Poll Over

Well apparently Louisiana Hot Sauce is awesome and Tabasco is terrible. Weird how you never see LHS anywhere but Tabasco is ubiquitous. People must like terrible shit.

Rich Mann

This british dude lets the prime minister have it. We need one here.

Old School Joust Game

My best score is 55850. Y'all can beat?

Rich's Links of the Day

Andrew Carrey Makes a Good mini documentary on trade but isn't funny.

Drew Carrey Doing Stand Up on Tonight Show. I like how skinny he is in that huge suit.

Little Richard Doing Impressions.

Louis CK Talking.

Seattle Sounders FC

Tonight is the franchise premier of the newest Major League Soccer team - Seattle Sounders FC. I bought season tickets about a year ago and have been looking forward to this for a long time. The games will be played on the X-Box Pitch at Qwest Field (where the Seahawks play). Beautiful Drew Carey is a minority owner in the team and has led the development of the fanbase and the marketing campaign. One of his ideas was to have a marching band, so now they have one. They are leading a big procession of fans through downtown and into the stadium before kickoff, so I'm going to be a part of that. I never thought I'd have something so precious in my life as participating in a Drew Carey-led parade. Carey has also set the team up European style where the ticket holders get to vote on management and stuff like that.

Seattle Sounders FC homepage

Video of Drew Carey talking to CNN about the team

Gameday: Sounders vs. New York Red Bulls


This is also the season opener for MLS, so it will be on the Deuce in HD. A little unfortunate to be scheduled against March Madness, but it's sold out anyway.

The Sounders' "Beckham" is Freddie Ljungberg. He is the "designated player", meaning they can pay the shit out of him without affecting the salary cap. I think he's getting $7M this year. Anyway, the story is pretty similar to Beckham's: captain of his national team (Sweden), huge star in the English Premier League (Arsenal), underwear model and just slightly over the hill at 32. I predict he will be an A-list celebrity this time next year.

Lastly, to ensure an awesome atmosphere in the stadium, Carey had the idea of making the tickets for the opener actually be Sounders scarves, so everyone will have them. Mine came with my season tix. Look for me on TV - I sit at about the 35, 12 rows up on the side of the field where the Sounders shoot on goal in the 2nd half.

NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

An early morning fire Wednesday caused minor damage to Albasha Greek and Lebanese restaurant while smoke from that fire caused minor damage to Primo’s Steak and Italian restaurant, both on Bluebonnet Boulevard near Interstate 10.

St. George Fire Protection District firefighters were called to Albasha, 5454 Bluebonnet Blvd., at 2:23 a.m., said Eldon Ledoux, a Fire Protection District spokesman.

When they arrived, firefighters found smoldering debris in the food-preparation area of the restaurant, Ledoux said.

The fire had been extinguished by the restaurant’s sprinkler system.

Albasha received minor fire and smoke damage while Primo’s received minor smoke damage, Ledoux said.

No big deal though, they're back open.

Tonight

Don't know where you are gonna be tonight but here is where you SHOULD be:


This Thursday March the 19th at 8:30pm Jimmy's 43 on 7th Street nestled betwixt 2nd and 3rd Avenues is proud to submit as evidance:

Beers and Girls and Country Music!

The new Dive Bar Country Music Sensation that is sweeping the ..uh..this particular dive bar this Thursday!

Featuring lead singer of the world renowned Classaholics and front man extraordinaire:

Rich Mann!

With special guest on lead guitar from The Prigs (the band not the people):

MACK PRICE!

With possible guest appearance by the always entertaining, on drums:

MARK “IF HE FEELS LIKE COMING” GRAHAM!



We will be playing all of your old favorites plus mixing in our special brand of filthy drinking bar songs too embarrassing and offendenating to be mentioned in this email.

Such As!:

She Caught My Eye, I Caught Her Chlamydia

Hard Cussin Woman

Grampa Please Stay Out of Grandma’s Underwear Draw (the ballad of Marv Albert)

I Gotta Take a Paternity Test

Darlin, I Love You and Shit

And many more! Show starts at 8:30pm and concludes at drunk.

Neck

Last night I was folding clothes and watching WBC when all of a sudden I thought I was dying. I dropped to my knees with a searing neck cramp and cried out loud enough to wake up Carrie. By far the worst pain of my life. I felt it all the way down to my fingertips. It lasted about five seconds. I have no idea what brought it on but I thought it was a one-time thing. Then it happened again about 15 minutes later. I then realized it was happening when I'd turn my head a certain way. I remember thinking that you could add up all the pain I've experienced (crushed toes, MCL tear, tattoo, moccasin bite) and the aggregate wouldn't approach this level of pain. I stayed up till about 1 a.m. fighting it and losing. I was on the verge of going to the ER but I loaded up on ibuprofen and laid in bed to let it take effect. I was terrified to fall asleep in case I cramped up and couldn't get out of it. So I slept fitfully with tons of cool dreams I can no longer remember. I woke up with nothing more than a stiff neck and couldn't re-create the cramps.

Today I went to the doctor. The x-rays showed nothing except what the doctor disturbingly called "normal spinal wear for a 34-year old." Also during my x-ray I got to wear this sweet dong shield. But to rule out some other causes of my neck pain he ordered an MRI.

Now I have no problem penetrating the MRI tube. I had one once before when I got peléed in the back of the head by an unopened beer bottle. But I was pretty loaded back then and don't remember too much. But there seems to be this big push toward "open" MRI machines because apparently peeps can't handle the tube. I used to think that thinking was ridiculously stupid but after lying in it for 15 minutes today and listening to all the sounds and almost not fitting in the first place, I'm downgrading my opinion to thinking those people are merely impractically stupid. Because I can see how it can be disconcerting. It made tons of different loud-ass noises. I found myself naming the noises and wishing I had some drumsticks to bang out some fills with while I was up in there. I named the noises the Click Track (which sounded like the metronome on your digital recorder), the Secret Lair (named so because it sounded like in Bond movies after he penetrates the villian's lair and sets it to self destruct it you hear whooooOOOOOOP! whooooOOOOOOP! whooooOOOOOOP!), the Jackhammer (THGTHGTHGTHGTHGTHGTHGTHGTHG), the Fallout Shelter (BLEAAARRRRGGG BLEAAARRRRGGG BLEAAARRRRGGG), the Space Invader (CHOO CHOO CHOO CHOO CHOO) and the Slippery Chinaman (TIKI TIKI TIKI TIKI TIKI TIKI [crash]). Man that thing had some different noises. It's a good thing they gave me ear protection because it was loud as shit up in there. When I got out I axed them surely they got some fat asses who didn't fit, since I barely did at my svelte 240. They said they had a bigger one, but even that didn't fit everyone and once or twice they had to sent people to the Vet School at LSU to use the equine MRI thing. Also they said the open MRI doesn't yield as accurate results.

I find out the results next week. The MRI was to eliminate the possibility of a disc problem. In the meantime he told me to hold off sports for a couple of days. Good thing that volleyball doesn't start until next week.

National Debt Hits 11 Trillion

Nilk. Can you explain to me how America won't be fucked if this continues? Won't the debt eventually crush us?

Astroturf= Shitty

We had our first regular season football game yesterday. The field was astroturf. I made a dive at the opposing quarterback as he ran by. I now have no skin on my left elbow and calf.

Rich's Links of the Day

MArk will love this.

Rich's Links of the Day

Loud Farts Screw up city hall. I know you have seen this elsewhere but I gots to see it again.

How to guide to screw up the economy

"Touch" Football

My touch football league is supposed to so easy they let girls play in it. Last season I got lit up worse than anything I ever got in rugby which is full contact and today I lit someone up worse than anything I ever gave in rugby except for one sweet hit where I laid this dude the fuck out. Oh man I wish I had that hit on tape cause it was naaaaaaaaaaaaaaasty.

Anyway, today we had our preseason game in touch. I was playing linebacker and taking away the easy over the middle short routes. The quarterback couldn't find anyone and tried to run for it to his right. I was leaning right when he took off so I had to cut quick to my left to catch him. Now you know how when you start off a sprint you bend way over low so you can propel yourself forward without falling backwards? I was about 3 steps into it and going pretty good when THUNK. I accidentally put my left should into this big fat chick's stomach who was running the other way. I got the better of it cause even though she out weighed me easily, she was vertical and I was low and driving my legs and my shoulder is a lot more solid than her flabby, squishy belly. Also I am a man and she is a girl, I mean, come on.

So down she goes in a heap. I would say it was a decleater but she was only in tennis shoes. I helped her up and asked if she was all right. She nodded and walked off the field but I know the look of someone with the wind knocked out of them. I felt pretty bad cause whenever I get the wind knocked out of me I literally think I might die and am scared. Seriously. I can't breathe for a few seconds try as I might. You need breath to live. I didn't do it on purpose though.

I played pretty crappy I thought cause I could never get open or something and the qb never threw to me. We lost. After the game I found out we had thrown the game so they wouldn't put us in a hard division and we might have a chance to win some games. Last season we got clobbered. So guess I didn't suck so bad after all cause the qb was just throwing to girls and the other team all the time.

After the game the team playing after us was short players so they drafted me to be their qb. Oh man. Sometimes you are on and sometimes you are off and today I was full on. You have 7 receivers in our league and I hit all of em at least 3 times apiece. I wasn't keeping track of completion percentage but it had to be close to 80. We just marched down the field on them ever time. Best two plays were when I hit a deep guy 30 yards downfield in stride for a td and when I hit a different deep guy 30 yards downfield in stride for a td. Shopping cart football seems to payoff.

I hope they put that team in the hard division cause I don't wanna play them. Especially if I am qbing for them. That would be too hard to defend and explain.

"Touch Football"

I live Next to Columbia U's Music School

Right now there is french horn playing the Back to the Future theme. Fucking awesome.

Rich's Links of the Day

Atlas Shruggin Yet?

The Gross Train

I was hanging out with Mark about 20 minutes ago. He lives in the classy part of town with ladies so I gotta take the train home. Fine, just so long as the train ride home aint nasssssty. Nope.

I got on at 72nd street. This huge mexican dude in a black sports jacket welcomed me aboard. A little too welcomy if you know what I'm saying. He high fived me and talked about shit I barely cared about for two stops.

At the third stop he slapped me on the right shoulder way too hard and said "dude, I don't think I'm gonna make it". Make what? What the hell is he talking about?

Well, less than 10 seconds later he is doubled up and puking all over some dude's shoes with gusto. Thankfully it wasn't my shoes but it was close enough that I really emphathized with the gross shoe dude. For about 3 more stops we had to stand in akward smelly silence with the puker and his victim. Soooooooo disgusting. One day if you save up maybe you can afford to live up here too!!!!

Advertisment

At the Subway station there is a poster for CNBC. It goes like this:

CNBC

Do You Know Where Your Money Is?

Some aspiring young advertising executive found some black spray paint and made his own edit to it so that it now says:

CNBC

now Where Your Money Is?

LSU Baseball

I know everyone's been clamoring for my 2009 report, so here it is. By the way Scoot, you got's ta invite John Chapman to this party.

I've had season tickets for years to this shit. But just this year they moved into a new park, which is AAA level. It's truly bad ass. Check it out on lsusports.net. Anyway, not too many losses this year and some great freshmen. First year since 1997 that they're guaranteed an Omaha berth. They lost their first game tonight, but the season still bodes well. For those of you who hate baseball, I hate you.

KEY LOSSES:
Jared Bradford - RHP (graduation)
Matt Clark - 1B (draft)

LINEUP:
2 Catcher: Soph. Micah Gibbs is back at batting cleanup. He's fantastic on defense and he's the only switch hitter on the team. Backup is Shawn Ochinko, who sounds like the guy Scoot saw slip on the ice the other day, but he's white as shit. B+
3 1B: Jr. Shawn Ochinko is back, for the first time at first base. He's been on a tear in the past few games, knocking in a ton and playing a serviceable first base. Definitely a candidate for Most Improved. His major league prospects are only harmed by the fact that he won't be able to find a position, being a second string college catcher. Aluminum bat hitter. A. He's backed up by F Grant Dozar, who also catches, and S Buzzy Haydel, the best defender on the team.
4 2B: Jr. Ryan Schimpf: Every time I write this dude's name in the scorebook I think I'm adding too many letters. But nope, they're all in there. Good hitter. Good bunter and base stealer, if you like that sort of think, which I don't. Backed up by black speed demon Sr. Chris McGhee and also Buzzy.
5 3B: Soph. Derek Helenihi: He moves from RF to his natural position. Which it turns out he's not that great at. He is the position player who needs to be looking over his shoulder the most. F Tyler Hanover has started a couple of games and looks good.
6 SS: Soph. D.J. LeMahieu: Carrie's heartthrob. He's gone after this year, being a 21-year old sophomore. Second-best defender on the club. Bats fifth and has the best average. Backup is F Austin Nola, the Catholic High standout who's gotten a few plate appearances, but shows nerves in the field.
7 LF: Jr. Blake Dean - The best hitter on the team. He has a terrible throwing arm, but he makes up for it with his bat. Third year of best hitter. Definite first rounder in May. Splits time at DH. More on backups later.
8 Soph. Leon Landry - Black dude. Slammed face first into the wall in last year's regional but held on to the ball, becoming a crowd favorite. Backed up by high-sock wearing Arab F Mikie Mahtook.
9 Soph. Jared Mitchell - He'll play through spring practice this year and join the football team as the #4 WR in August. Tied for Most Improved Player, as his plate discipline has skyrocketed this year.
DH: This position is split among McGhee, Sr. Nick Pontiff and Chad Jones (who will miss 20 days when he goes to spring football). Several times one of these dudes will play in the field while Dean DH's. It's all about the righty-lefty matchups.

RHP: Soph. Anthony Ranaudo - This dude rolled for 12 K's tonight, after killing 10 his last time out. He's taller than I am and totally dominant. He's a starter.
Soph. Austin Ross - Sinkerballer who hasn't lost yet. Lock for the SEC rotation.
Sr. Ryan Byrd has been MIA. F Shane Riedie started one game and lasted an inning. He needs work. F Matty Ott looks fantastic in relief. Soph. Daniel Bradshaw has had issues. They're eyeing him for the third SEC started, but I have my doubts. Sr. Louis Coleman should definitely be the Friday night dude, but Mainieri has decided he needs to be a "closer" so we'll see how that goes. History points to this being a mistake (with Bradford) so I expect to see him in the rotation by the middle of the conference season. Soph. Jordan Nicholson doesn't figure to see much action this season and may be redshirted. Sr. Nolan Cain was supposed to be a midweek starter but has been battling elbow trouble. Jr. Paul Bertucinni is a get-out-of-the-inning guy. And he's good at it. Soph. Ben Alsup may break into the rotation. F Spencer Mathews is the worst. He's gotten chances and hasn't converted yet.

LHP: Sr. Ryan Byrd must have something wrong with him because he doesn't have an app yet. Either that or they're redshirting him. F Randy Zeigler has gotten a couple of apps and also plays INF. He'll be OK. F Chris Matulis will probably be the regular midweek starter. He's got a big future with his breaker.

There you go. You'll notice a disturbing lack of lefthanded arms. It's a good thing they have six of nine lefty batters in the order, with Chad Jones and Grant Dozar coming off the lefty bench.

All in all this team looks fantastic. Barring injuries, we should see them play in June.

Hey Rich. What songs of yers we should learn?

Alright alright quit breakin my ballz. Here are the songs you should know perfectly:

The Prettiest Girl In the Bar
2 Shots of Wizz Key
The Booom Shaka Laka Laka Boom Shaka Laka Laka Boom Shaka Laka Laka Laka Laka Blues
Hard Living Woman
Happy Anniversary
Little Dive Bar on the Back Woods Quarter Mile
She Caught My Eye
Paternity Test
Home Town Woman
Father Does Not Reside Here Any Longer
I Got Whiskey
#2 Girl
Party Gurl
Biscuits
Sweet Country Pussy
Miller Lite Drink It

Some One Took a Dump on My Bed

We have been having a cold snap up here in NYC. The number one hazard with a cold snap around here is not that you will freeze to death but that you will get roasted to death in your apartment. They have this stupid heating system up here where they pump scalding hot steam into your apartment whether you like it or not. And you don't like it. You hate it. Who the hell likes to sweat inside? Jerks.

So the other night I am lying in bed just sweating to death. Without exaggeration it had to be over 100 degrees in there. Just stupid. I opened my window to let in some air but even though it was wide the fuck open it couldn't let in enough cold air to counteract the horrible pressure cooker radiator at the foot of the bed.

Luckily, I have another room where the radiator is broken. It ain't got a bed though but it has a couch. I dragged my blankets and pillows and stuff in there and had to snuggle up real good cause it was beautifully chilly in there. Problem solved.

So the next morning I go to get clothes from the bed room and wear them. My apartment is so old it doenst have light fixtures. You gotta plug in a lamp if you want light. I only have one lamp and it is in the other room cause you don't really need light in a bed room. You only lay down and sleep in there. And it's not like you need to turn on a light just to check that there is nothing waiting to jump out at you. It's not a horror movie. Nothing is gonna be hiding in your bedroom and then jump out and scare the shit out of you right?

Wrong! Something jumped out and scared the shit out of me. I couldn't see if it was a demon or a ghost or a Dracula or what cause it was dark and my eyes had not adjusted yet. But I could sure hear the shit out of whatever it was. It sounded like the whole room was atwitter with spooks. I tried to jump to the side to get away from whatever the hell it was but was impeded by my bicycle which I have to keep in my tiny bed room due to space constraints. Instead of leaping clear I banged my hip on the seat and kinda halfway somersaulted into my closet on my noggin.

From this vantage point I was able to see what manner of horror I was dealing with. Pigeons. A whole flock of pigeons had snuck in through the open window and were partying all over my stuff in their own little birdy sauna. Most of them bolted straight out the window and escaped but two were so stupid they just kept flapping around the room dropping filthy tufts of diseased feathers all over the place. I finally chased them out and closed the window and got my wearing clothes on and went to work.

That was 2 days ago. I have been on the coach the past couple of nights but today seemed warm enough that I could maybe sleep in the bed without dehydrating. So when I got home I went to move my blankets and such back into the bedroom when I noticed that the pigeons had left me a present. Little piles of green and white bird shit all over the bed and floor. If you ever get invited to a pigeons party do not go cause those fuckers got no class. So now I gotta stay on the couch again until the sheets get back from the cleaners and I have a new theory I am working on maybe making into a law one day:

Pigeons Suck.

Rich's Links of the Day

Why don't no one listen to actual economists about the economy?

Horrible Song

This one is fucking cringe inducing. Hank Williams Jr's "The F Word"

Set List

With gigs looking more and more likely I should put up the set list for potential Classaholics to be working on. Covers first:

Lay You Down. Conway Twitty
The Race is On. George Jones
East Bound and Down. Jerry Reed
When the Man Comes Around Johnny Cash
Cocaine Blues Johnny Cash
Mama Tried Merle Haggard
Take This Job And Shove Her David Allen Coe
I Still Miss Someone Johnny Cash
Sunday Morning Coming Down Kris Kristopherson
Coming Out My Back Door (poo poo poo) CCR
Ring of Fire June Carter
Angel Flying too Close William Nelson
Hey Good Looking Hank Williams Senor
Family Tradition Hank Williams Jr
Ballad of Curtis Lowe Lynard Skynard
Fine Time to Leave Me Lucille Kynard Rogers
If You Got the Money Honey Wyllard Nelson

Rich's Links of the Day

Tenacious D Recording New Shit.

Words I like to say instead of "Punched"

Slugged
Socked
Belted
Walloped
Pummeled
Bashed
Clobbered
Pounded
Lambasted
Clocked
Clout
Pelted

Things Everyone Loves That Actually Suck

Watchmen



Hey! We have watches! We know what time it is! And we're blue! Weeeeeeeee!

Good lord am I ever sick of hearing about Watchmen. You can't go anywhere on the internet without seeing some bullshit about this stupid nerd book movie. I especially hate the big blue dude. Oooooooooh he's big and blue and superman weeeeeeee! How many more of these things are there that I have never heard of but millions of middle aged dorks have orgasms over?

Agent Fired

My first booking agent didn't do shit so he is out. But now I have a new dude so we will see if he can find good gigz.

Rich's Links of the Day

Obama wants to put the "Great" in Great Depression.

AIG bailout a good idea? At least this dude is optimistic.

When you get annihilated by a heartless, calculating machine what will it look like? Something like this.

Phil Collins the Alamo Buff? WTF?

Snow

It snowed Sunday and the residual is still all over the place. I was cruising around midtown when this middle aged china man got aholt of a nice little patch and busted his ass. It was awesome cause it took him about eight slippery steps to finally make it all the way down. If life were a cartoon the accompanying sound effect woulda gone like this:

TIKI TIKI TIKI TIKI TIKI TIKI TIKI TIKI (cymbal crash)

Rich's Links of the Day

Stock Market Mimics Great Depression. I think people should start mimicking Great Depression people. I am gonna start saying "now see here" in every conversation to do my part.

Scary Skeletore Marine talks bout how he hates tyrannical government. I wonder if this means HeMan is a socialist?

Math Palendrome. 111,111,111 X 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Obama's Policies Add to Economic Woe. Socialism sucks? Well I'll be goddamned.

I love the black dudes reaction when he first sees Rick Patino's white suit.

New Poll

Jock hates Tabasco. He is stupid.



I don't mind Louisiana Hot Sauce but prefer Tabasco slightly. I am smart.

Who is right?

Poll Over

The Obama Poll is Officially closed and from the results we are able to see that America will be exactly as worse as it was under Bush. AKA we are fucked. Bush ran up debt like no other and set us off down the road to socialism like no one before. Obama is continuing that trail. Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Stupid Shit

Environmentalist are all worked up that Americans use toilet paper. They say it sucks cause trees get cut down to make tirlet paper. Who gives a fuck? Corn gets cut down to make corn flakes. They plant more and it grows back. Same with trees.
They say Europeans don't use as much toilet paper per person as Americans. So Europeans walk around with shitty asses? That must be why they stink so bad. Now shut up and let me wipe my ass in peace.

More Wierd Spam

I got a follow up confuser spam. Here you go:

Dear Richard,

You did it! Your petition, Stop Global Hamster Imprisonment, was a great success for your cause or issue.

Please share with us how it did in a short email at successful stories to Earth Care.

Thank you to make a difference.

Best,
Rosa Del Angel

I sure hope I am not falling for whatever it is I am supposed to fall for.

Rich's Links of the Day

Ozzy's Lead Guitarist. I particularly loved this clip of Ozzy's guitarist shredding at some live concert.

Sweet Louis CK.

Where Joke, Spam Version

I never look in my spam folder but decided to give it a go today to see what I was missing out on. One of the horrible spammers was nice enough to send me a pretty good where joke. It went like this:

Fuck Horny Sluts TONIGHT in THE BRONX!!!!!!


Eeeeeeew.

Rich's Links of the Day

99 things you should have already seen on the internet. I seen some?

Martin's favorite clip ever. I have heard the audio from this several hundred but only seen it a few.

Bum Type: The Story Bum

Usually bums just come out and ask for money and get shunned, which is the way it should be. I got a hold of a much more annoying type last night. I was cruising around in the freezing, kill yourself cold when some obvious vagabond approached and started telling me all about how he just turned 50 last night. Also some old lady he knows got mugged and he don't got no respect for nobody would do that to an old lady. And the cold didn't know when it was time to head on outta town and let folks be comfortable for a spell. And a whole bunch of other boring shit he kept up while I was waiting for him to take a breath so I could cut out and get the hell inside and not freeze my soul. Well, eventually he wrapped it up and the moral of the story was: can I get a dollar man?

Bad Ass Item of the Week:

Nature Shows

Nature shows kick ass. They are like going to the zoo except for instead of watching the animals sit around all sad and boring they are doing stuff and fighting and fucking and killing each other. Plus you don't have to go anywhere. You just sit ya ass down and look.

Week 2

I know y'all all dying to know. After two weeks I am just a touch under 9 lbs less. I woulda made 10 if I hadn't gone bowling but I aint sorry at all. It was worth it. Especially the after party where we all went to the little dive and sang till it shut down. Drinking with your buddies and singing is about the best time there is. I gonna do one more week of it. Should hit ten tomorrow or wednesday but from the looks of things I could stand another 10 off easy.

I don't know Why I Didn't Do This Sooner

Since I am two songs away from officially having the best set list ever and those songs are pretty close to completion I figured I should get an agent to book me in places to play. He starts tomorrow. We'll see what he comes up with.

Pointless Question

What actor makes you go see a movie?

Generally it doesn't matter so much who is in the film. If the movie looks like crap I won't see it. But some dudes are fun to look at all the time.

My dudes are Christopher Walken and Bill Murray.

Jim

Maaan did I ever get after it today. Mark convinced me to go play bowling with him tonight. I know bowling is nothing but trouble cause they bring these huge, delicious tubes of beer out for you to drink whilst you play. Kinda like classy mini-kegs. They call em towers. I call em toobs.

So I figured I better head to the Jim to do a little pre emptive damage control. I said before, I still look like shit but I am in pretty damn good shape. I impressed the hell out of myself today.

First I lifted weights. Then I lowered them (I hate lifting and lowering weights cause those fuckers are heavy). Then I went downstairs and got on the machine and ran for a solid hour. I thought there was no way I was gonna finish when I started but it never got hard so I stayed on till the machine shut down.

Then I got on the Hand Crankulator machine which is similar to a stationary bike but it's for your arms. Then I got on the stationary bike which is like a Hand Crankulator except it's for your laigs. Then I got in the pool and swam a full mile. I wasn't planning on swimming so long but after a few lapse this huge fat pig got in the lane next to me. I wouldn't have cared except he was amazingly fast. You would never guess this dude could move from looking at him. I named him the Jellyfish because he was flappy and squishy (like jelly) and really good at swimming (like a jellyfish).



I never go into the pool with the intention of racing but if there is someone in the other lane I can't help but try to beat em. It was all I could do to stay ahead of this dude. Not only that but the son of a bitch never got tired and quit either. I figured someone so fat would only be good for a few lapse but he stayed for 25. When he finally left I was so far along I decided just to hang out and finish the full mile since I was over halfway there already.

I figure I burned over 2,000 calories today so I ain't gonna fret too much if a couple of beers happen to slip in tonight.

Shrinkening

I am nearly 8 libs less now. I think I should be able to make it to 10 by the 2 week mark which is Monday. Thing is I can't tell any dadburn difference. Trousers are loose but that's it. I may have to go for another 10. No big deal. It aint that hard except for the no fun having.

Rich's Links of the Day

Galaxy Zoo is Back. You can play scientist and classify galaxies for science dudes cause there are too many for them to handle.

Religion Makes You Happier. Or rather, Jesus does.

Scientist say they will be able to create life in 10 years. In a related story, scientists shall now be referred to as Jesus's.

Experts warn of Terminator Style Robot Rebellion. Please oh please oh please oh please oh............

Rich's Links of the Day

Top 15 Best Album Covers. If I ever have an album cover I will win.

Pointless Question

What is your favorite deadly sin?

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Pride

I'd probably have to say gluttony but if you catch me waking up to go to work I would definitely say sloth.

Elevator Music

I moved from my super classy neighborhood to one that is, shall we say, decidedly less classy. I was in the supermarket around the corner buying beans earlier for my horrible "No Life Joy" plan I've got going now. The elevator music they choose at this particular establishment is a local Hip Hop station that plays loud repetitive beats and chanting. For the most part I can't really make out what they are saying but today it was pretty easy when this one song that was on got to, I guess you would call it the chorus. It went exactly like this. I memorized it easily:

WHERE THE ASS AT?
WHERE THE ASS AT?
WHERE THE ASS AT?
WHERE THE ASS AT?

NOW WHERE THE PUSSY AT?
WHERE THE PUSSY AT?
WHERE THE PUSSY
WHERE THE PUSSY
WHERE THE PUSSY AT?

Now I'm not exactly what you would call a prude but I thought this might not be exactly the thing to be playing in a grocery store at 7 in the evening. The only way I could see that they got it past the censurers is that the FCC was stupid enough to believe they were actually talking about animals.

I made myself laugh hard imagining that it was just a hip hop version of Head and Shoulders Knees and Toes where they are teaching preschoolers about they bodiezzzzzz.

Weak One

After 8 days I am 6 libs lighter than when I started. I been pretty good except for gig day when I swallowed about 6 delicious beers but other than that I have been below 1000 caloronks per day. If I can make it through this weekend then I will keep it up till the one after cause it aint really hard to behave except for on weekends when you want to go out and party. It's especially hard for me because I live right above a bar and I can hear them laughing and clinking their glasses and saying "I don't know which I love more, the fact that I'm down here enjoying all these wonderful beers with friends or the fact that I'm not up all alone in my miserable room listening to all this happiness with tearful eyes".

Anyway, I can't tell any difference in the mirror but I can tell the difference in my floppy britches. I one belt knotch better so far.

Rich's Links of the Day

Mangled English. I love this kinda shit. I wonder if foreigners enjoy to hear us try to speak their gibberish so?

Wasteful research. These dudes want to prove that cats kill mice and such. Who doesn't know that?

Movie Trilogy Meter.

How likely are you to get a delicious tapeworm? Aren't tape worms kinda good for you? How do you get rid of them?

Before Tirlet Paper. Horrible ways people used to wipe they ass.

90's TV Theme Songs. Winner? Fresh Prince.

Chicken Hate

Hay Jock. Does your hatred of chicken extend to buffalo wings? Cause if so you crazy.

Fatties and Ninjas

It's been a few days since I attempted the Hang Tough apparatus in the local park so I am certainly without a few pounds of fat on me so I figured I would go give it another shot. On the way there I came across my football league having its playoffs. My team sucks complete ass balls so we didn't make it. The green team from my league was playing the red team.

I never noticed when we were getting stomped by them but the red team all have personalized jerseys with nick names on the back. None of which were any good except for this one huge fat ass dude. He is not quite as tall a jock but tons fatter. A complete slob. Anyway, his nick name was "He Ate Me". I got bored with the game quickly because frankly touch football is complete shit to watch and only fun if you are doing it yourself. On to the Coliseum.

The rings were busy today. The time before I had them all to myself. There were plenty of people getting after it this time. None so much so as this one yellow ninja. He was completely nuts for the rings. If you're familiar with the video game Mortal Kombat he was dressed just like Scorpio but without the face mask. He wasn't content just to go from one side to the other but would do spins and flips between each ring on the exchange. Also when he got to the end, instead of jumping off he turned around and came back. Then he did it again. And again. Four complete passes total. I kept far away cause I didn't want to get hit with any of his throwing stars but I was determined to make it at least one complete pass once he dismounted.



I became even more determined when right before me a wee little girl of about 8 went the whole way across giggling the entire time. So off I go. I made it the whole way today because it was day time and I could see and also I managed the exchange a lot better than the first time so I didn't nearly pull my arm out of socket every time. It still hurt like crazy though but I noticed it wasn't my hand or forearm muscles that were barking like in bar hang. It was the palms of my hands. The friction of skin against metal was what hurt so bad. I noticed the ninja had ninja gloves on and I bet if I had some I could go a hell of a lot longer. Anybody know where I can get some ninja gloves?

Rich's Links of the Day

Astronomer says there are a billion trillion planets that could sustain life. Dude, if you are gonna just make up stupid sounding numbers no one is gonna take you seriously.

Brain Scientist say that putting feelings into words relaxes you. What? They wanted to make sure we were really impressed with how smart they were so they started calling themselves Brain-Scientists? Just Scientist not good enough anymore?

Sometimes Spam Makes No Sense

I got this email today:


Dear Richard,

Your petition, Stop Global Hamster Imprisonment, is set to close in two weeks. If you want to continue collecting signatures past that date, please edit your petition to change the closing date.



What the hell kinda scam is this?

What do you get when you Google Classaholics?

This. Who put this here?

Show

The show went pretty well I thought. Of course I didn't actually get to see it. I only got to see a bunch of people watching it but they looked like they were enjoying themselves. Martin actually came by so he can give you the unbiased review if he wants. I pulled out Prettiest Girl in the Bar which was received about how I figured it would be and did a unfinished version of Hard Drinkin Woman when everyone was drunk enough not to noticed all the fudged lyrics. The end of the night was the Boom Shaka Laka Laka Boom Shaka Laka Laka Boom Shaka Laka Laka Laka Laka Blues where I got everyone in the place to be my back up singers. That one is hard to pull of without a band but I went for it anyhow. The solo kinda sucked. After the show we drank too much delicious beer and kinda ruined my weight loss scheme for the evening and nearly broke our arms high fiving Martin every 2 minutes. Martin loves high fives.

Jock DIet

So what exactly are you allowed on your cardiac diet? Can you eat beans? I love beans. If no beans I would be very sad.

Rich's Links of the Day

What happens when global warming gets so bad your hockey ring melts? These Dudes.

Dude sings silly country song. He also list a whole ton of other ones I would like to hear.

How to wreck America's Economy. Brought to you by Obama and Socialism.