Stupid Shit

Environmentalist are all worked up that Americans use toilet paper. They say it sucks cause trees get cut down to make tirlet paper. Who gives a fuck? Corn gets cut down to make corn flakes. They plant more and it grows back. Same with trees.
They say Europeans don't use as much toilet paper per person as Americans. So Europeans walk around with shitty asses? That must be why they stink so bad. Now shut up and let me wipe my ass in peace.

More Wierd Spam

I got a follow up confuser spam. Here you go:

Dear Richard,

You did it! Your petition, Stop Global Hamster Imprisonment, was a great success for your cause or issue.

Please share with us how it did in a short email at successful stories to Earth Care.

Thank you to make a difference.

Best,
Rosa Del Angel

I sure hope I am not falling for whatever it is I am supposed to fall for.

Rich's Links of the Day

Ozzy's Lead Guitarist. I particularly loved this clip of Ozzy's guitarist shredding at some live concert.

Sweet Louis CK.

Where Joke, Spam Version

I never look in my spam folder but decided to give it a go today to see what I was missing out on. One of the horrible spammers was nice enough to send me a pretty good where joke. It went like this:

Fuck Horny Sluts TONIGHT in THE BRONX!!!!!!


Eeeeeeew.

Rich's Links of the Day

99 things you should have already seen on the internet. I seen some?

Martin's favorite clip ever. I have heard the audio from this several hundred but only seen it a few.

Bum Type: The Story Bum

Usually bums just come out and ask for money and get shunned, which is the way it should be. I got a hold of a much more annoying type last night. I was cruising around in the freezing, kill yourself cold when some obvious vagabond approached and started telling me all about how he just turned 50 last night. Also some old lady he knows got mugged and he don't got no respect for nobody would do that to an old lady. And the cold didn't know when it was time to head on outta town and let folks be comfortable for a spell. And a whole bunch of other boring shit he kept up while I was waiting for him to take a breath so I could cut out and get the hell inside and not freeze my soul. Well, eventually he wrapped it up and the moral of the story was: can I get a dollar man?

Bad Ass Item of the Week:

Nature Shows

Nature shows kick ass. They are like going to the zoo except for instead of watching the animals sit around all sad and boring they are doing stuff and fighting and fucking and killing each other. Plus you don't have to go anywhere. You just sit ya ass down and look.

Week 2

I know y'all all dying to know. After two weeks I am just a touch under 9 lbs less. I woulda made 10 if I hadn't gone bowling but I aint sorry at all. It was worth it. Especially the after party where we all went to the little dive and sang till it shut down. Drinking with your buddies and singing is about the best time there is. I gonna do one more week of it. Should hit ten tomorrow or wednesday but from the looks of things I could stand another 10 off easy.

I don't know Why I Didn't Do This Sooner

Since I am two songs away from officially having the best set list ever and those songs are pretty close to completion I figured I should get an agent to book me in places to play. He starts tomorrow. We'll see what he comes up with.

Pointless Question

What actor makes you go see a movie?

Generally it doesn't matter so much who is in the film. If the movie looks like crap I won't see it. But some dudes are fun to look at all the time.

My dudes are Christopher Walken and Bill Murray.

Jim

Maaan did I ever get after it today. Mark convinced me to go play bowling with him tonight. I know bowling is nothing but trouble cause they bring these huge, delicious tubes of beer out for you to drink whilst you play. Kinda like classy mini-kegs. They call em towers. I call em toobs.

So I figured I better head to the Jim to do a little pre emptive damage control. I said before, I still look like shit but I am in pretty damn good shape. I impressed the hell out of myself today.

First I lifted weights. Then I lowered them (I hate lifting and lowering weights cause those fuckers are heavy). Then I went downstairs and got on the machine and ran for a solid hour. I thought there was no way I was gonna finish when I started but it never got hard so I stayed on till the machine shut down.

Then I got on the Hand Crankulator machine which is similar to a stationary bike but it's for your arms. Then I got on the stationary bike which is like a Hand Crankulator except it's for your laigs. Then I got in the pool and swam a full mile. I wasn't planning on swimming so long but after a few lapse this huge fat pig got in the lane next to me. I wouldn't have cared except he was amazingly fast. You would never guess this dude could move from looking at him. I named him the Jellyfish because he was flappy and squishy (like jelly) and really good at swimming (like a jellyfish).



I never go into the pool with the intention of racing but if there is someone in the other lane I can't help but try to beat em. It was all I could do to stay ahead of this dude. Not only that but the son of a bitch never got tired and quit either. I figured someone so fat would only be good for a few lapse but he stayed for 25. When he finally left I was so far along I decided just to hang out and finish the full mile since I was over halfway there already.

I figure I burned over 2,000 calories today so I ain't gonna fret too much if a couple of beers happen to slip in tonight.

Shrinkening

I am nearly 8 libs less now. I think I should be able to make it to 10 by the 2 week mark which is Monday. Thing is I can't tell any dadburn difference. Trousers are loose but that's it. I may have to go for another 10. No big deal. It aint that hard except for the no fun having.

Rich's Links of the Day

Galaxy Zoo is Back. You can play scientist and classify galaxies for science dudes cause there are too many for them to handle.

Religion Makes You Happier. Or rather, Jesus does.

Scientist say they will be able to create life in 10 years. In a related story, scientists shall now be referred to as Jesus's.

Experts warn of Terminator Style Robot Rebellion. Please oh please oh please oh please oh............

Rich's Links of the Day

Top 15 Best Album Covers. If I ever have an album cover I will win.

Pointless Question

What is your favorite deadly sin?

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Pride

I'd probably have to say gluttony but if you catch me waking up to go to work I would definitely say sloth.

Elevator Music

I moved from my super classy neighborhood to one that is, shall we say, decidedly less classy. I was in the supermarket around the corner buying beans earlier for my horrible "No Life Joy" plan I've got going now. The elevator music they choose at this particular establishment is a local Hip Hop station that plays loud repetitive beats and chanting. For the most part I can't really make out what they are saying but today it was pretty easy when this one song that was on got to, I guess you would call it the chorus. It went exactly like this. I memorized it easily:

WHERE THE ASS AT?
WHERE THE ASS AT?
WHERE THE ASS AT?
WHERE THE ASS AT?

NOW WHERE THE PUSSY AT?
WHERE THE PUSSY AT?
WHERE THE PUSSY
WHERE THE PUSSY
WHERE THE PUSSY AT?

Now I'm not exactly what you would call a prude but I thought this might not be exactly the thing to be playing in a grocery store at 7 in the evening. The only way I could see that they got it past the censurers is that the FCC was stupid enough to believe they were actually talking about animals.

I made myself laugh hard imagining that it was just a hip hop version of Head and Shoulders Knees and Toes where they are teaching preschoolers about they bodiezzzzzz.

Weak One

After 8 days I am 6 libs lighter than when I started. I been pretty good except for gig day when I swallowed about 6 delicious beers but other than that I have been below 1000 caloronks per day. If I can make it through this weekend then I will keep it up till the one after cause it aint really hard to behave except for on weekends when you want to go out and party. It's especially hard for me because I live right above a bar and I can hear them laughing and clinking their glasses and saying "I don't know which I love more, the fact that I'm down here enjoying all these wonderful beers with friends or the fact that I'm not up all alone in my miserable room listening to all this happiness with tearful eyes".

Anyway, I can't tell any difference in the mirror but I can tell the difference in my floppy britches. I one belt knotch better so far.

Rich's Links of the Day

Mangled English. I love this kinda shit. I wonder if foreigners enjoy to hear us try to speak their gibberish so?

Wasteful research. These dudes want to prove that cats kill mice and such. Who doesn't know that?

Movie Trilogy Meter.

How likely are you to get a delicious tapeworm? Aren't tape worms kinda good for you? How do you get rid of them?

Before Tirlet Paper. Horrible ways people used to wipe they ass.

90's TV Theme Songs. Winner? Fresh Prince.

Chicken Hate

Hay Jock. Does your hatred of chicken extend to buffalo wings? Cause if so you crazy.

Fatties and Ninjas

It's been a few days since I attempted the Hang Tough apparatus in the local park so I am certainly without a few pounds of fat on me so I figured I would go give it another shot. On the way there I came across my football league having its playoffs. My team sucks complete ass balls so we didn't make it. The green team from my league was playing the red team.

I never noticed when we were getting stomped by them but the red team all have personalized jerseys with nick names on the back. None of which were any good except for this one huge fat ass dude. He is not quite as tall a jock but tons fatter. A complete slob. Anyway, his nick name was "He Ate Me". I got bored with the game quickly because frankly touch football is complete shit to watch and only fun if you are doing it yourself. On to the Coliseum.

The rings were busy today. The time before I had them all to myself. There were plenty of people getting after it this time. None so much so as this one yellow ninja. He was completely nuts for the rings. If you're familiar with the video game Mortal Kombat he was dressed just like Scorpio but without the face mask. He wasn't content just to go from one side to the other but would do spins and flips between each ring on the exchange. Also when he got to the end, instead of jumping off he turned around and came back. Then he did it again. And again. Four complete passes total. I kept far away cause I didn't want to get hit with any of his throwing stars but I was determined to make it at least one complete pass once he dismounted.



I became even more determined when right before me a wee little girl of about 8 went the whole way across giggling the entire time. So off I go. I made it the whole way today because it was day time and I could see and also I managed the exchange a lot better than the first time so I didn't nearly pull my arm out of socket every time. It still hurt like crazy though but I noticed it wasn't my hand or forearm muscles that were barking like in bar hang. It was the palms of my hands. The friction of skin against metal was what hurt so bad. I noticed the ninja had ninja gloves on and I bet if I had some I could go a hell of a lot longer. Anybody know where I can get some ninja gloves?

Rich's Links of the Day

Astronomer says there are a billion trillion planets that could sustain life. Dude, if you are gonna just make up stupid sounding numbers no one is gonna take you seriously.

Brain Scientist say that putting feelings into words relaxes you. What? They wanted to make sure we were really impressed with how smart they were so they started calling themselves Brain-Scientists? Just Scientist not good enough anymore?

Sometimes Spam Makes No Sense

I got this email today:


Dear Richard,

Your petition, Stop Global Hamster Imprisonment, is set to close in two weeks. If you want to continue collecting signatures past that date, please edit your petition to change the closing date.



What the hell kinda scam is this?

What do you get when you Google Classaholics?

This. Who put this here?

Show

The show went pretty well I thought. Of course I didn't actually get to see it. I only got to see a bunch of people watching it but they looked like they were enjoying themselves. Martin actually came by so he can give you the unbiased review if he wants. I pulled out Prettiest Girl in the Bar which was received about how I figured it would be and did a unfinished version of Hard Drinkin Woman when everyone was drunk enough not to noticed all the fudged lyrics. The end of the night was the Boom Shaka Laka Laka Boom Shaka Laka Laka Boom Shaka Laka Laka Laka Laka Blues where I got everyone in the place to be my back up singers. That one is hard to pull of without a band but I went for it anyhow. The solo kinda sucked. After the show we drank too much delicious beer and kinda ruined my weight loss scheme for the evening and nearly broke our arms high fiving Martin every 2 minutes. Martin loves high fives.

Jock DIet

So what exactly are you allowed on your cardiac diet? Can you eat beans? I love beans. If no beans I would be very sad.

Rich's Links of the Day

What happens when global warming gets so bad your hockey ring melts? These Dudes.

Dude sings silly country song. He also list a whole ton of other ones I would like to hear.

How to wreck America's Economy. Brought to you by Obama and Socialism.

Gladiator

I am actually not in terrible shape. The football, volleyball and regular swimming makes me not a complete sack. Monday I jogged for 30 minutes for the first time in years and wasn't horribly out of breath the whole time at all like I expected. Yesterday I did a bit of the old body for life routine where you really push it and try to kill yourself at the end and it wasn't too suicide inducing. Today my leggies felt pretty tired so instead of going to the Jim again I decided to go for a clomp in the park.

There is a humongous, kick ass park 2 blocks from my place. Grant's tomb is up there and a bunch of other famous old shit. I saw a sign that said "Battlefields Left" which I figured meant some revolutionary war locales and maybe they would have some forts or cannon and plaques telling what happened where but there was none of that. Only soccer and softball fields. There were a couple of dorks playing karate on one of the fields but I don't think that's what the sign was talking about.

Between two of the fields was this big sand lot for volleyball and to the side of it was a sweet contraption that you are meant to swing around on like tarzan. If you have ever seen American Gladiator, and you have, it looks like the Hang Tough event except no Wolf and the drop is only a few inches. To make it all the way across you need to complete 10 rings. I always th0ught that Hang Tough looked pretty damn hard and was wondering how hard it would be to make it all the way across. Here is a ring by ring analysis:

Ring 1-2: Hey this isn't that hard at all.

Ring 2-3: This is the easiest thing in the world. I could do this all day.

Ring 3-4: Uh oh my hands are starting to ache a tiny bit.

Ring 4-5: CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN'T TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE.

Ring 5-6: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWW

Ring 6-7: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW

Ring 7-8: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW

Ring 8-9: SAAAAAAVE ME JEESUUUUS

Ring 9-10: Drop

It was dark and I thought I had finished when I dropped. I think I could have made it if I had seen it but I didn't. Subsequent attempts proved futile as I skipped the first few steps and went directly to step 8. So now I have a new project to complete. Certainly ten less pounds will make it a lot easier.

Weight Loss

I started this as a comment to the other post but it got too long so new post.

Mine weight loss was absolutely pure fat. I have not lost an ounce of anything but pure fat in this whole 50-pound swing, unless you count the normal ups and downs of water weight. I have changed no other aspect during this diet -- I recreate at the same rate (sand volleyball thrice a week, football twice a month, occasional softball and mountain biking) and I work out exactly as much as before (zero). The only variable is my diet.

My body, as Scott can tell you, has lost only fat. I got professionally measured for Shelley's wedding -- all my weight loss has been in my gut and face. Legs are identical. Shoulders same width. Even my love handles are pretty much the same. (I've been told they're the last to go.) I know Nilk well enough to know there is no convincing him, but for the rest of you, I have lost 50 pounds of pure fat in seven months.

Low-carb diets work through the process of ketosis -- the process by which your body burns fat for fuel. It does this because it stops burning glucose, because you stopped eating carbohydrates, especially sugar and flour and stuff. There are arguments about whether this in turn causes a metabolic change or if the increased protein levels are just making people not eat as much, but fuck that noise. I'm losing weight.

I'm putting aside all concerns about the healthfulness of this diet in this argument, since the issue here is simply weight loss. I've been hovering around a 242-pound plateau for a couple of months, and I'm not really sure how to get off the diet. My initial goal was abstract -- to be able to take off my shirt while playing volleyball and not be embarassed. I arbitrarily assigned a value of 225 pounds to this state. Now I don't know if I'm ever going to reach either. I'm fine with my gut where it is but damn those love handles.

Conclusion: Nilk is wrong.

Rich's Links of the Day

Japan to Stop Producing Wierdo Porn. They even mention Mark's favorite eel scene.

WWII Color Pics. WWIII pics coming soon!!!

Cuttin Off

The hard part of being skinny isn't not eating. It is stopping eating. I can go all day and not really want anything but if I start into something I get really pissed that it is over so soon. It is kinda like cutting off taking a piss. If you had never started it you would be fine but once you get going it sucks to stop mid stream. Law of inertia I guess.

It's like I always said. I don't like chips. I like all of em.

Fuck Yeah

I finally finished The Prettiest Girl in the Bar. It was a tough one cause all the lyrics I kept coming up with were stupid as shit. After a few solid nights of torture I got some that are presentable. There will probably be a few rewrites but at least it is gig worthy. It is a pretty damn good bar song if I do say so myself. Kinda flirty, kinda sad and with a couple of belted out, well timed cuss words.

Now if I can figure out some sweet verses to the light hearted Hard Drinking Woman and the terribly sad Happy Anniversary I will officially have the best set list ever.

The Shrinkening is on.

No one but me is doing it but I will win anyhow. 10lbs will be evaporizing off my fat ass shortly. Diet is simple. The more you like something, the more you can't eat it. So the most delightful thing in the universe, chips are out entirely. Horrible shit like cauliflower moves way up on the list and things like vegetable soup stay about the same. I always found the first couple of days to be the worst until you get used to it. Then it is not hard at all unless you go out with friends and they all get to eat delicious nachos and high five each other. 10 Lbs aint much though. I should get through it in 2 weeks or less.

Rich's Links of the Day

Usain Bolt likes to celebrate.

Old dude a little too impressed with cool bird. Bird catches fish. Pretty cool but not orgasmic.

Miller Lite...

Drink it.

This is a short and sweet jingle that Scott made up a few months ago.  He finally recorded it so I put it up on youtube to infect the world with 3 seconds of catchiness.

Rich's Links of the Day

Why is this a Scandal? Vladimir Putin denies liking ABBA.

Best Thing Ever. Futurama Voice People. I never get enough at seeing real people imitate cartoon voices so perfectly.

3d Street Art

The Defattenatening

So I am about to really kick it on. Am I all by my lonesome or is anyone else in?

Awesome Old School Country Song

To Beat the Devil

By Kris Kristofferson

This is mainly a talking song that Kris wrote when Johnny Cash nearly killed himself with drugs. It has some kick ass lines such as "my thirsty wanted whiskey, my hungry needed beans" and "I had a stomach full of empty and a pocket full of dreams". Part of the goodness is just listening to Kris' deep grumbly voice.

Rich's Links of the Day

Ben Stein Got lost his commencement speaker gig because he loves Jesus too much.

NBA players do a big balls dance? Maybe the NBA is worth watching after all.

Robots have brains that evolve now. Only a matter of time until they are our evil masters.

Top ten old school arcade games.

Fun Flash game

Rat runs an obstacle course.

Top 10 Horrible Ways to Die

Let's face it. There is no way to die that would actually be pleasant because somewhere along the line something happens to you that is fatal. Fatal things are generally very painful and scary. That being said there are ways to go that are excessively painful and terrifying and unfortunately not entirely uncommon. Now you may disagree with the exact ranking of horrible deaths but you gotta admit, you don't want any part of any of these.

10: Airplane Crash



An airplane crash is actually probably one of the least painful ways to die possible if it is bad enough. You get obliterated in an instant and don't feel a thing if you are unfortunate enough to be on a flight that completely goes to shit. But what this death lacks in agony it makes up for in sheer prolonged terror. If you are cruising ad 35,000 feet when you lose both wings you get to sit through several minutes of knowing you are about to eat it and there is nothing you can do about it. Hell, you can't even call your loved ones to tell them goodbye because of the stupid FAA regulations forbidding cell phones usage on flights.

Even worse is if you are on a plane that only kinda crashes. Then not only do you get the horrible prolonged terror fest but instead of concluding with an instant lights-out you get to burn to death in jet fuel or slowly bleed out in the wreckage.

Your Odds

Thankfully dying in a plane crash is very unlikely. Only about 1,000 people per year perish in airplane crashes (not counting military where someone is shooting at them). The chances that you die on any particular flight are roughly 1 in 13.57 Million.

9: Starvation



Not eating sucks. Being hungry sucks. It actually even hurts sometimes. Now just imagine keeping it up until you die. You start of with the growlings of an empty stomach and slowly work your way up to dizziness and fatigue. Keep going and eventually you run out of fat reserves and start digesting your own muscles and organs to keep your brain and heart alive. Eventually you wind up with full on dementia and become too fatigued to breath or beat your heart and that's it for you.

Your Odds

If you are American your odds off starving to death are exactly zero. No one starves in America. In fact, you are in far more danger of smothering under a pile of cheese fries or choking on your own fat cheeks in your sleep. America's problem is too much food, not enough will power.

For the rest of the world however starvation is unfortunately not that uncommon an occurrence. About 5 million people go down to starvation every year worldwide. That's about 1 in every 1,350 people. Throw in a famine or economic crisis and that figure jumps dramatically so 2009 is not looking too good so far for a lot of hungry people.

8: Getting Cripplingly Crushed

There are thousands of different ways to get smooshed to death. Car wrecks, structure collapse, machinery, etc. etc. Depending on how bad the accident is, getting crushed can be an instant, painless affair or weeks of misery. If you have a whole building fall on top of you it should be over pretty quickly and you might not even have much time to get thoroughly scared. If however you only happen to get a girder across your pelvis or get pinned under a boulder you could wind up screaming in agony for quite a while. Every year several soccer fans around the world get the dubious honor of slowly being squeezed by a huge throng of hooligans until they pop like plump grapes in an agonizing gooey mess. In any case, no one wants to wind up being squished like a bug. Dreadful.


(This guy was protesting at a construction site and was run over by a bulldozer. Lesson learned, don't fuck with bulldozers)

Your Odds

Stats are shaky on this one because there are so many different ways to wind up crushed but it looks like between 200,000-400,000 people per year suffer a crushing some variety. So about a 1 in 168,750-337,500 chance depending on how many earthquakes there are that year and how many soccer games you attend.

7: Dehydration



Being extremely thirsty is being in total anguish. When you are so parched you can barely stand it there is never a time when you aren't thinking about it and lamenting the fact you thought it would be a good idea to save money and only buy one Powerade. When you starve at least there are times when hungry goes away but thirsty is always with you and never lets you alone. Keep ignoring thirsty and you get the dizzy spells, weakness, visions of palm trees and Arab princesses and eventual organ failure and death. Oh and did I mention this whole time you are thirsty? Soooooooo thirsty.

Dehydration happens quick too. They say you can go 3 days without water but that is under ideal, non sweaty conditions. If you are in say, Louisiana in the summer time you can go down in a couple of hours. I myself have seen several strapping, healthy young construction workers pass out from dehydration. They didn't die cause we were able to get a couple of delicious Slurpee's into them in time but it was quick and creepy how they went immediately from normal, healthy man to pile of sweaty meat.

Your Odds

Plenty of Americans die of thirst every year so no one is exempt. 4 million total world wide so that is a 1 in 1,678.5 chance for you.

6: Drowning



Have you ever held your breath? Of course you have. Did you absolutely hate it? Of course you did. Not having oxygen is almost instantly unbearable. I wouldn't describe it as pain per se but it is some kind of terribly uncomfortable. Excruciatingly uncomfortable. Hell, waterboarding or simulating drowning on someone is such a great torture devise that the terrorist generally cracks within minutes. Now just imagine getting trapped underwater somehow. Say your toe gets caught in the suction drain or something and for 3-4 minutes you get the sheer horror of knowing your clock is ticking out along with the tortuous no breathing of being submerged in horrible unbreathable water. Sssssssick.

Your Odds

About 250,000 people take the plunge every year. You got a 1 in 27,000 chance baby.

5: Burning

Being burned has to be the most painful way to go. You literally scorch your skin off and cook your innards as you scream in agony and choke on the asphyxiating smoke. If you have ever had even a minor burn you know it is one of the most intensely painful injuries to have. There is a reason Hell is made out of a lake of fire.


(This guy actually did this to himself. Nuts. There are much better suicide methods)

Your Odds

Happily, burning to death is relatively rare. Only about 40,000 people get barbecued ever year so you have only a 1 in 168,750 chance of experiencing hell on Earth.

4: Terminal Illness

Getting the diagnosis that you only have 6 months left to got has got to be terrible. You get the prolonged, drawn out dread of knowing you are on your last legs plus the addition of being so horribly sick that whatever you have is going to kill you. So it's not like you have 6 months of happy go lucky running around and picnicking in the park. You've got 6 months of feeling wretched and taking medicine and the disgusting tubes going in all parts of you and the crippling depression.



Even if you could manage to make it to the picnic I don't see how you could make yourself forget about the tumor of Damocles hanging over your head long enough to even slightly enjoy it. The only plus side I can see is that you probably can get some hardcore drugs to take the pain away from time to time and since you know you are making your last round you have the chance to tell everyone bye and spend all your money. Hell, I would apply for as many credit cards as I could and go nuts.

Your Odds

I don't know. I couldn't find any good stats on this one but I figure that since if you live long enough something eventually gets you the odds are probably unfortunately short here.

3: Animal Attack

Face it. Nature is not your friend. You might drive around in a hybrid car and eat the filthiest organic food imaginable but Nature still hates you. Nature wants nothing less than to terrify the shit out of you and then rip you apart and eat you.


(This dude actually got away)

Those polar bears everyone cares so much about saving? They wanna tear you apart and eat you and then lick your delicious blood off your crispy, crunchy bones. The majestic lions of the Serengeti? The Same. Endangered sharks in the over fished ocean? The Same. Rattlesnakes? Cobras? Black widow spiders? Pure evil. Even your friendly pet dog is after you and accounts for more deaths per year than any other animal.

Not only is getting killed by an animal horribly scary but it is definitely gonna be painful as hell. Animals don't care about killing humanely. Have you ever seen the alligator's death roll? It just twists off your arm, shows it to you then eats it before coming back for your leg. And what about that horrible head shaky thing that bears and lions and dogs do? Can't they be gentle? Can't they just bite you in the head and get it over with? Hell no. You are alive and crying the whole time until the very end.



And the horrendous venomous animals are just complete jerks. Jellyfish, snakes, spiders and insects. They prick you with their pointy stings and then giggle with glee as you swell up and convulse to death in terrible stabbing pain. Everyone has been stung by something at some time and knows how awful that is. Just imagine if instead of eventually going away it kept spreading and hurting until you collapsed and died. Awful, awful creatures.

Your Odds

15,000 chumps get a visit from mother nature every year world wide. You got a 1 in 450,000 of getting caught this year.

2: Murdered

Being murdered is similar to being killed by any other animal except that humans are an animal that can talk to you and tell you scary things as it chases you down. Plus humans are imaginative and can think up sadistic and perverted things to do to you that even horrible mother nature overlooked. Just imagine O.J. Simpson or Ray Lewis coming after you with their pointy death blades and you know there is nothing you can do when they catch you except listen to the sound of your own death and their evil, cackling laughter.




Anyway, unless whoever is murdering you is nice enough to poison you in your sleep you are in for a horrible, panicked, painful exit.

Your Odds

200,000 murder victims per year. What the hell is wrong with humans? Why so evil? Anyhow, 1 in 33,750 is your chance of getting murdered this year. Unless you know O.J. Simpson or Ray Lewis. Then 1 in 4.



1: Terrorism

Getting killed by a terrorist is all around bad. First of all, you know you are going to be scared out of your mind. You are going to literally be terrorized. If a guy names himself "terrorist" you know he is gonna try to scare you. Secondly, he is gonna try to make it as painful as he can. All part of the whole terror theme he's got going on.


(Eugene Armstrong in the hands of terrorists)

A terrorist will torture you and not give a damn if you confess to your crimes or give him every shred if information you ever knew. He just likes to torture you because he is evil and loves Satan. Finally, you wind up being points on the board for the bad guys. Not only are you horribly scared and tortured but the bad guys are partying and high fiving each other that they scored one for the devil.

Your Odds

Only about 1,000 people per year wind up getting their heads sawed off with the dull knives of terrorists. Only a 1 in 6.75 million chance. Still, it is scary enough that it seems higher.


Wrap Up

So that's it. Obviously you can combine any of the horrible death styles to come up with an even worse fate. So if your airplane gets hijacked by terrorists who bite you with their pet cobra and then crash the plane into a burning mass which crushes your legs into a lake where you drown you surely have a new number one. But that doesn't seem that likely. Until then I will keep it as is.

CUM ON FEEL THE NOIZE

Did you know Quiet Riot ripped off their most famous song? Here is the original.


Too much downbeat clappin if you ax me.



In Semi-related vein, I always thought Spinal Tap was based of these dudes. Sooooooo ridiculous. Best part is at :47 when the dude says "oooh"

My Buddy Died

When I moved into my new apartment it took me two days. It is a five story walk up so it was quite an ordeal. The first day I moved half the stuff on my own and the second Martin showed up and legged it with me. As I was struggling with the boxes the first day this Mexican dude who lived in the building saw me and grabbed some and hauled them up all 5 flights with me. No introduction, no nothing, he just saw I was foundering and pitched in on his own. He hung around for a couple of loads and really helped me out cause I was pretty damn exhausted lugging all my heavy shit around.

I only saw him one other time about 3 weeks ago. He was down in the dive around the block that I like to haunt. I bought him a beer. He bought me 2. And a round of pool. And sang "real" salsa to me. The juke box was playing "bullshit" salsa and so he put in a few dollars worth of the "real" stuff. He could have stopped with the round of pool cause frankly "real" salsa is "bullshit" to me but he didn't mean any harm by it. He was a good guy t and we had a fun time and a good conversation. He was a marine and had some pretty damn good Iraq stories.

Tonight as I was coming in I could barely get in the front of the building door for all the candles blazing in front of it. About a hundred cheesy glass cylinders with cartoon saints painted on them were all fired up on the landing. Hand written posters saying RIP David were taped all over the place. I didn't have any idea who the hell this David character was until I spotted a photo taped on the door and there was my buddy looking back at me with his black eyes. I don't know what happened to him and probably never will. And I guess my move out will be a site more difficult without the extra hands when the time comes.

RIP David

Rich's Links of the Day

Walter E Williams. Why the hell won't anyone listen to economists on how to fix the economy instead of just becoming socialists?

Screwed up Cakes. Where is Happy Birtday Keith?

Jessica Simpson is Faaaat. Seeing as all she had going for her to begin with was her hot bod this is probably not the best career move. I think she may be wearing a fat suit though just to get attention. Her body looks kinda weird and lumpy.

Why the Hell is Marijuana Illegal? I hate marijuana but can't we just let the hippies have their fun and stop funneling money to criminal gangs. Hasn't anyone heard of prohibition?

50 Superbowl Commercials. You may like one of em.

No hysteria over ice storm like there was for Katrina? Could it be the media was just taking any excuse to crack Bush cause they hated him? The weird thing is the real reason Bush is hate worthy is because he was so liberal yet the liberals still hate him.

Fat

I have gotten fat again. Who wants to join me in the 10 pound drop challenge? I could do it on my own but it is tons easier if I have someone to beat.



I have actually been fairly good about exercising. Swimming or football or volleyball a few times a week. The trouble is all the delicious beer and food. Anyhow, who is up for it? I am starting soon so time to man up.

Why does Sore Wait a Day?

Jock bought this up when I was in Baton Rouge and I am experiencing it first hand presently. How come when you do some kinda strenuous exercise the next day you are fine but the day after you feel like your muscles are on fire? I lifted and lowered weights in the Jim Friday. Yesterday I was fine and today I can barely move? What the hell is Sore saving it for? Go ahead and get it over with.