Jokes I Don't Get

"Tennis Anyone?"

People will say it when they see something tennis related. Others will laugh. I have no idea why. Doesn't seem to work with any other sport or activity.

"Dr. Livingston I Presume?"

Similar to tennis anyone but there seems to be no special reason why people say this one. Apparently it goes back to some British dude named Dr Livingston who went to Africa and then another British went looking for him and when he found him he said this and they both fell out laughing.

"Taste Like Chicken"

If someone tries a new dish and they are asked how it was they will say this. Hilarity ensues.

"What Exit?"

If a New York meets someone from New Jersey they will ask this and all the New Yorkers laugh. I have gotten several different people to try to explain this one to me. They say it is because there is the Jersey Turnpike which goes all the way down Jersey and people who live in Jersey have to exit to go home. This seems like it would be true for most states though.

"You Workin Hard or Hardly Workin?"

If you work in a plumbing supply house at least 25% of the plumbers who come in to buy shit will say this to you every day. Even if they said it 4 times already in the week, on Friday they will still say this at you. Your coworkers will laugh. You will not.

Volley

To see my pictures from Fud's you should be able to click here. As I looked back through them I regret not getting more pictures of the tournament as a whole. I fear you can't grasp the sheer size of it. Also more chix.

And good god no would any team of us beat that wallyball team Nilk posted. No way.

Rich's Links of the Day

Google Search results can predict the future. I just googled "I win the lottery and start gyrocopter polo league."

Heaven

Help Us Baby's Got Her Blue Jeans On

Protesters

You know how they have protesters? I hate that stupid shit. Who do they think opinions they changing? No one's. I especially hate how proud they are of themselves for getting arrested. The only way you get arrested is if you intentionally want to be. No one believes your stupid story of police brutality.

Swine Flu

Y'all worried? I remember when it was bird flu everyone vexed over. Wake me up when they get to Donkey Bronkitus.


AKA Donkey Bronk.

Band of Brothers

I just saw a clip of Band of Brothers when they were parachuting into Normandy on D Day and couldn't help thinking the director made a huge mistake in scoring the film by not using "It's Raining Men" for that scene.

The 300 Dude didn't fuck up.

Obama's 100 Days`

Obama is bout to complete his first 1oo days and his supports are claiming him as the best president ever. How the hell can anyone claim something like that either way after such a short time? Jackassery.

In a related story I am working on a Super Hero personality for the pres named

" 'morock Yomama "

I forgot to add that he battles crime by going to the bad guys' house and fucking their mom.

Sets on the Beach

I've been playing organized volleyball for a few years now, working my way up from sand virgin through the ranks. This spring I finally started playing in "A" Leauge with the big boys, and it's challenging but I'm competitive. I made a big jump from last spring and I'm proud of my progress.

However, tomorrow I leave for Destin for five days to play in the big Fudpucker's tournament. This will be the metric to see how good I really am, as people come from all over to play in this largest amateur sand volleyball tournament in the nation. But of course, even if I play badly I'll be on the beach for five days and there are parties every night and pickup ball every day. I hope to have pictures.

Poll Results

100% of Americans think Obama is making us look like pussies. (margin of error +/- 3%).

He sure didn't help his cause by paling around with Hugo Chavez and accepting a book from him that basically said "fuck you America".

Shitty Parking Spot

The is a parking spot underneath the subway station by my house that totally sucks. First of all it is an illegal parking spot so if you park there you will get a ticket. It has no signs or indication at all that I can see telling you it is illegal. The only way I know is I see cars there with tickets all the time.

Second of all, for some reason the subway station is 40 feet up in the air here. The station one stop up is underground. The one one stop down is underground. But here, it is a skyway. You would never be able to tell when you parked in this spot but right above it is apparently the coolest place to hang out if you are a filthy pigeon. So every day when I come home I see a car in that spot covered with tickets and massive amounts of pigeon shit.

I call the name

A while ago Martin and I were watching a baseball game in a bar near two Korean dudes. Martin started talking to them about something or other and I thought they were talking about a chinese player. His last name was apparently Chiu (pronoced chew) cause I thought martin called him "Big League Chiu". I thought it was a fucking awesome nickname for a chinese ball player. Turned out however Martin was actually talking about bubble gum.

So when a chinese dude named Chiu eventually shows up in the the big time and everyone starts calling him "big league chui" you'll know who to thank.

Me baby.

Rich's Links of the Day

Yall see this dude pass out on tv yet? He tells what he is gonna do then he does it. All that is missing is him say "down I go".

We saw Dolly Parton tribute Saturday. The chick who sang this was the best.

Pointless Question

Humans don't have much hair as far as mammals go. Do you think we look as disgusting to other mammals as hairless dogs look to us?

Citi Field

Can I get a review? And where is Chapman's draft analysis for fantasy baseball?

Rich's Links of the Day

Here we are. Born to be kings, we're the princes of the universe. Seriously what are the odds that BOTH parties would have a sword handy for the battle?

Women

Remember that time Jock axed about what women are bad at? I say sports. Women really bring the suck compared to dudes in general. The most annoying thing is you aren't supposed to notice it. Remember how Lilero got abused at the stock exchange for noticing that any NFL team could field a basketball team that would crush any WNBA team? Who would ever actually argue the opposite?

Keep in mind a major part of basketball is the slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam dunk.

New Poll

North Korea launched a missile and we didn't do shit. Pirates attack our boat and we not doing shit. Is Obama pussing out or is he doing aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalriiiiiiiight?

50 Dolla Tourny Losers

Alright Losers. Mail y'all chex to

184 Claremont Ave #5S
NY NY 10027

Luggage racks

Does anyone use them? When was the last time you saw luggage on a luggage rack? What percentage of luggage racks that you see on the Interstate are in use? Four-thousandths of 1 percent?

A cursory view out of my office window reveals eight cars, five of which have luggage racks. And you don't see them on sedans anymore, just on SUVs. Wouldn't you need it more on a sedan and less on an SUV?

Good Deed Not Averted

Well maybe I ain't entirely evil after all. I took the wrong train home last night and wound up in the middle of Harlem. To get to my stop I woulda had to go all the way back downtown, switch trains and then come back up to my stop. It woulda taken forever so I decided to leg it. Upon exiting the station I was immediated accosted by a bum asking for some shit. As I avoided eye contact and tried to speed by him I noticed that he wasn't actually a hobo but a man whom God had forsaken in a wheel chair and he was asking for help down the stairs. Of course I can't not help some legitamate wheelchair guy down the stairs. You'd have to be some kinda devil not to help.

So there I am trying to lower his heavy ass down over 20 stairs. He out wieghed me by about 50 lbs so it was much harder than I anticipated. Also, he kept leaning forward and grabbing his brakes asking if I needed him to put them on. Whenever he did this he made it unbearably heavy and I could feel the rubber handles slipping. I could see him going head over nubs all the way down in my mind. I kinda sternly told him to cut it out but he kept doing it and I was not gonna make it all the way like that.

Then came the bad guy. I saw him coming up. Huge black hooligan. Do rag and gold. If it were a movie he would be the killer. Exactly what I didn't need. He said "damn dog" and ran up and grabbed the bottom of the chair. Sweet relief. We made it down easily. The wheelchair dude tried to give us money but of course we said no. We did the fist bump and went our seperate ways. Then I ran through scary harlem for 10 blocks to my side of town.

Rich's Links of the Day

The Crazy Gunman that shot up the joint yesterday is described as ethnically Chinese but from Vietnam. Doesn't that describe everyone from Vietnam?

Awesome Old School Country Song

If You've Got The Money Honey.


By Willard Nelson. If you ever walk into an old saloon and they weren't playing this. You're in the wrong movie.

Chicks

This probably should be one of Scoot's pointless questions, but I'll go ahead and do it. What jobs are women exponentially worse at than men? Probably all of them, but some more than others. I'll go first. Comedian. I listen to XM comedy stations constantly and it's extremely hit and miss, but the ladies miss at an egregiously high percentage. I can definitely count on one hand the number of comediennes who have made me even crack a smile. Lisa Lampanelli comes to mind. And nobody else. What other professions do chicks suck at?

American Culture

Do you know much about original american culture before Europeans got here? I dont'. All I do know is that this traditional Indian song kicks ass.

Robot Makes Scientific Discovery

Some robot has made a theory about yeast and tested it and analyzed the results. It is only a matter of time now until some enterprising young robot comes up with the theory "Kill all humans?" and gets the results analysis "Affirmative".

Then the robotic utopia with no human interference in the constant dance offs and little happy robot children singing "Ro Ro Ro your Bot" all the live long day.

Rich's Links of the Day

If you don't like this I aint got nothing for ya.

Also, I have never met anyone who doesn't like this sketch. I also know of no one who can explain why.

I forgot in the earlier story that one of the lines of the song was "nothing can stop the dook of Earl". Too perfect.

My neck. My back.

Both the X-rays and MRI on my neck came out "normal." So I got sent to physical therapy. The PT jerked my neck around for 45 minutes, then she sent electricity through me for another 15 and that made me twitch. Then I did neck exercises (nexercises?) for 15 minutes and went back to sit on the examining table. She climbed on the table and stood behind where I was sitting, so that the back of my head was even with her hoo-hah. As she was slapping me around, ostensibly to "determine my range of motion," she was rubbing all against me. Not in the good way though. Basically this is an excuse to tell you my PT is way hot and if you go to this page you can see a mug shot of her. Ashley Fife. It's the best I could do.

Good Deed Averted

I was cruising around on the horrible subway yesterday. When I got to my stop there was an oldish lady trying to get on with a cart full of bags. It was too heavy for her and she needed help getting it up the two inch difference twixt platform and train. She called out for me to help her. It was very slow and I was the only one around so I figured I would play the boyscout and help her up for my daily good one. As I was about to grab the bottom of the bags I was struck by a wave of stench that washed over me and I noticed that this was no lady, but a female bum. I faltered. Looked around confoundedly. Nearly was so shamed as to grab the bags and push her in any way but I couldn't. It was too filthy. It would have been like putting my hands in an anus. I sprinted out the exit as she hollered after me.