Pic of the Day

Pic of the Day

Aphorisms

With Communists, expect Communism
(Nilk)

The minute someone decides to run for politician is the minute they decide to stop pretending they are a good person.
(Me)

House Passes Medicare Bill!!!!

So long America. We hardly knew ye.

Aphorisms

I am making a list of some of my favorite aphorisms. These only count is someone I know made them up though. Anyone can just go read a book of famous people's.


People are stupid.
(Chappie)

If someone goes out of their way to tell you a principle they live by, the opposite is true.
(Chappie)

Crazy people are CRAZY
(Lilero)

"Will Work For Food" means "Will Beg For Drug Money"
(Me)

If someone offers you a breath freshener, Take It.
(Me)

If the train is packed except for one car that only has one guy in it, do NOT get in that car.
(Me)

Never listen to a woman's advice on how to pick up women because she has never actually done it.
(Me)

Always Smail the milk before you take a swaller.
(Martin)

Never argue politics. The only thing you will ever convince anybody of is that they hate you.
(Me)

Whenever you find a really good parking spot, be prepared for a ticket.
(Keese)
I will add more when I think em.

Adoption

What is up with adoption? How come some people have kids they don't want and get stuck paying child support for 18 years while others get to just shovel theirs off with no obligation? What's the catch?

Humans actually are Badass

I have always been kinda disappointed at how shitty humans are compared to other animals. Other animals are complete badasses. They are lighting fast, strong as shit, agile and lithe and pretty much physically kick that all hell out of humans at everything physical. I always figured it was due soley to craftiness that allowed humans to be the dominators we are but I recently read some biology shit that points out that humans are actually really much better at some physical things I hadn't thought of before.

1. Walking. That's right walking. Get up and take a few strides. Easy as hell right? You damn right it's easy and as it turns out humans are better at walking than any other creature. Due to our wonderful sense of balance and leg bone structure we use the least amount of energy to walk of any animal. Even animals closely related to us like the chimpanzee use 4 times the amount of energy walking around. Other animals get there quicker, but we get there easiest.

2. Running. Distance running that is. In a sprint we get crushed by everything but our easy walking gait turns into a sustainable run that we can keep up for hours on end. You may not believe it but if you are in good shape you can outrun a gazelle. I actually saw a nature show where these tribal savages ran after a gazelle for 3 hours. At first the gazelle just sprinted away from them but eventually it got so hot and exhausted it said "fuck this" and collapsed on the ground. The humans who use less energy per mile and can sweat buckets (another thing we are really good at) didn't over heat and collapse and just walked up and bonked it on the melon with a brick.

3. Getting Fat. There are a few animals really good at this and we are one of them. Bears and pigs and whales kick ass at it too but we are up there. You may hate it when trying to pick up chicks or trying to avoid being mocked by your friends but your fat gut is huge advantage to have if you are an animal. And you are so congratulations! This one is pretty obvious. When you run out of food you just use your embarrassing fat to power yourself along to catch more gazelles. Other monkeys and primates kinda suck at being fat.

4. Throwing shit. Humans are the best throwers of shit. I know I have been to the zoo and saw the gorrilla throw the shit out of some shit. He could really chuck it far because he is so damn strong but it turns out not only can humans throw farther, we can hit what we are aiming at. There aren't really even that many animals in contention on this one cause very few even have hands but we beat em all. And being able to throw shit makes you a huge badass compared to other animals. A wolf might be able to tear you to bits with his scary teeth but not if he gets blasted in the face with a rock first. Also picking up a stick and wapping something with it is a big plus too and is kinda like throwing but without all the letting go part.

So anyway. There you go. Go walk around and throw things at other things and feel good about your fat ass. You're the best!

Birthday Presten

Someone Please get me THIS

Fun games

Hey.

Any of yall jerks know any fun free games to play on the computee? Post em prix.

Superbowl replay

Is there anywhere online that has the whole Superbowl replay? I can find highlights but I wanna see the whole damn thing again.

Mondegreens

Mondegreens are awesome and are the source of endless amusement to me. The origin of one of the bandnames I was in when Martin thought Mark said Sir Cadillac.

Usually mondegreens occur when you can't figure out song lyrics. A few of my favorites:

Lilero used to think that Rock the Casba was saying "block it with asphalt"

I thought Dirty Deeds Done and They're Done Dirt Cheap was "thirty theives and the thunder chief"

When I was about 5 or 6 my sister told me that Big Girls Don't Cry was actually saying "niggers don't cry". If you listen to this song maaaan does it sound like it.


I can't remember all of but hit me up with some cause I love every one.

More Union

I also hate how the union thugs act in general. Every email I get they are addressing each other as "brother" and "sister".

"Thank you Brother Joshua for the great point about local 802. Sister Alison will be happy to educate you on anything you are unsure of".

Dadburn creepy.

Union Mentality

Some dude I know is in some musician's union. He is trying to do something or other all the time and is a big pain in the ass. So the other day I get this email from him.

Please do not debate whether a musician playing in a club is an employee or an independent contractor with anyone. Please don't seek recognition for yourself through an organizing drive. Keep quiet. Be discreet. Don't become a loose cannon. Don't develop a case of diarrhea of the mouth. Hushhhhhhhhhhhh!

Thank you.

What the fuck? Some fuck head wants to tell me what I I can or can't talk about? I sent him this reply.

I'll talk about whatever I want, whenever I want.

You're welcome

Famouse dude

I met the most obscurely famous dude ever tonight. In fact, he is so obscure I am not sure I even met him or if he was lying about who he was. Will be sure in about 2 months. Anyway, he saw the show tonight and talked my ear off.

In case you missed the show

Here is the video.

Thesis

Yall like reading thesis papers about the economics of hippity hop?

Here you go.

Big Show TOmorrow

3 Dollar beer and country music at 29th and 2nd ave 7pm. Paddy Reilly's. See yall there.

Law Talking

Last Thursday the real cops called me to come in and do a line up like in the movies to ID the knife dude who had robbed me. I hung out for about 2 hours until finally being escorted into this little dungeon room to peep through a little one way mirror at the perps. They had six sketchy characters for my perusal and I spotted my little creep right off the bat. I kinda felt bad for the little ferret looking dude all trapped like that like some kinda animal but not bad enough to not finger him.

If I'd have messed it up they woulda let him go, but I nailed it so it was grand jury testifying for me Monday. I went down town to the DA's office, got lost for about an hour in the huge confusing labyrinth they used for a building and then finally sat with the assistant DA to get my story straight. Then off we go to the grand jury room where I had to swear in (which oddly enough involved very few swear words) and tell what ha' happen. It took the grand jury about 5 minutes to indict so now it is either the perp pleads guilty or goes to trial. He will probably plead guilty cuz there was a girl that he had mugged without his max on also there who testified against him.

I got ten dollars as a witness fee from the court house so when you take into account the five bux i lost in the mugging I have made 100% profit. I am now trying to figure out a way to expand on this excellent business model and retire in a few years.

Best Day Ever

I saw a dude get horsed today. One of the carriage horses at central park totally head butted this dude and knocked him on his ass. Oooooooh the youtube hit I would have on my hands if I had been filming.

Repost

Still can't believe Cannibal Corpse made THIS video.