Horror in the Park

I have been trying to get out of the completely horrible shape I am in recently. I have been going for a jog in the park near my house everyday for 6 days now. It is wretched with no signs of getting more fun any time soon but I am trying to stick with it. Yesterday I was out at around 2 in the afternoon. It was perfect weather. Not too hot and as bright and sunny as it had been on 9-11. Not a cloud in the sky. It was actually pretty enjoyable apart from the unbearable jogging.

When I was done I started the walk home through the park. I wasn't entirely tired so when I passed by this area that said "Forever Wild, No Dogs off Leash EVER" I decided to go see what was going on in the gated off area on the other side. It was pretty much just thick woods with a little dirt path through it. I have recently watched David Attenborough's Life of Birds so I figured I would try my luck at seeing something weird.

No such luck. Only a few robins and a couple of starlings. See those every day. Only weird thing I did see was about 400 yards in were two gansta dudes hanging out along the path whispering to each other. I couldn't tell if they were Bloods or Crips or something else but they were nice enough to stop whispering and give me a nice little stare down as I passed. Like it was somehow strange that I was walking around in the woods.

I kept going for another half mile or so before I decided that I wasn't gonna see anything good and to head back. I was near the west side highway with nothing but a little bluff between me and Grant's Tomb. Rather than go back past the whispering G's I calculated I could do better by ascending the bluff and getting a pretty slick short cut. So, up I went.

It wasn't too steep so I made quick work of it. As I got about ten yards away from the iron fence that separated the woods from the manicured section I noticed a black duffel bag against one of the trees. Now who the hell would put a duffel bag out here? Of course I knew it was almost certainly full of filthy Hobo drawers but what if it turned out to be a bag of money? My life's ambition has always been to find a bag of money so why not take a quick peek? In fact, now that I was thinking about it it made perfect sense. Those two gansta dudes had been running from the cops or their rivals with a bag of money and threw it into the woods to pick up later and couldn't remember exactly where and that's why they were skulking around in the woods on a week day. Obviously.

I went over to the bag. It was unzipped. I could see something was wrapped up in a sheet of some sort. Bright yellow and pink cartoon animals on a backdrop of white. A baby crib sheet. Still well aware of the likelihood of discovering a mess of vagabond socks filled with diarrhea I gingerly grasped the cleanest part of one of the handles and gave it a little lift and shake. The bag was much heavier than I expected. Whatever was in there was pretty solid. The sheet fell away just enough for me to see a part of it. A round form. A round form with wavy locks of light brown hair.

The handle of the bag slipped through numb fingers. I scrambled away to the iron fence as a sick, hot wave of horror washed over me. I didn't need to see the rest cause I already knew exactly what it was. A head. A human head. Some maniac had put a severed human head into a bag and chucked it into the woods. Oh lord what do I do? I gotta get out of here before they come back. Maybe they are watching me now, (look around) don't see anyone, I am probably ok but no telling.

So now my thoughts turned to calling the police and telling them about the grisly find. I instantly realize how stupid I am gonna feel calling up the cops and saying I found a head. I also got over the original shock and started to convince myself it couldn't possibly be a real head and I would surely get in trouble for pranking the cops. They would easily trace my call if I tried to call anonymously and would want to know why they hell I wasted their time on a mannequin head in the park. There would probably even be a penalty or fine for a false 911.

So I guessed I would just go home and forget about it. But why was it so heavy? It was about 8-12 pounds. That's Human head weight right? If someone was going around satchel heading people I totally have to tell on them. I don't need some crazy Taliban or Imam getting away with murder on my watch. Only one thing to do. I had to go back and see for sure what I had there.

But ooooooh man did I ever not want to. I was so scared. Much more scared than when I got mugged. I had to psych myself into it. It was only a dummy head. Someone threw a dummy head into the woods. That's all. But why so heavy? Dummy heads are light. Ok, someone put a wig on a bowling ball and threw it into the woods. I couldn't think of any other good things it might be. I was drawing blanks on things that look like human hair as much as that thing did so it wasn't working so well.

As I approached the bag again I had kinda convinced myself that there wasn't anything horrible gonna be in there. There couldn't be. That would be ridiculous. But then I saw the flies. And the beetles. And the millipedes. And then, the stench. The horrible stench of rotting flesh. No mistaking that smell. I don't know how I didn't notice it before. It was putrid. Maybe it was pretty well contained till I stirred it up but was it ever NOT contained now. Holy Mercy. I gagged a little bit. No question now. It's a rotten human head. I am gonna die.

I knew what I had to do but I did NOT want to get any juice on me or have to get too close to the thing. I looked around on the ground till I found it. A sturdy stick. About 3 feet long. Both arms shaking like I had hypothermia I jabbed one end into the baby sheet and spun it around like a fork in spaghetti until it was pretty well secure. All that was left now was to lift it out of the bag and let the head fall out of the sheet so I can see.

But I couldn't do it. It would be impossible to overstate how terrified I was. The main thing I dreaded was if as it was revealed from the sheet it would roll over and look at me. Stupid of course, but at the time it seemed like an almost certain outcome. The second thing I kept thinking was I didn't want any loud screeching violins to start up on the big reveal. The Manhattan school of music is nearby so that was not entirely impossible. I also briefly considered that it would turn out to be my own head like Luke Skywalker but I was able to squash that one pretty quick.

I don't know how long it took me to work up the nerve. It seemed like hours. Certainly well over five minutes were spent crouched over that disgusting thing breathing in the vomit inducing fumes. Finally I got my nerve. With an eruptive plume of flies, beetles, millipedes and stench I hoisted the filthy bindle from the duffel. For an eternal second it hung in the air before slowly unrolling and landing on the forest floor with a sickening thud.

A dead Cocker Spaniel.

Up the River

Mugger pled guilty today. 5 Years in the big house.

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When we make our movie this will be the opening credits.

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Doctor Doctor Please

The shitty thing about the first Dr. Dr. song below is that the non-Bruce Dickenson singer guy sucks and hits wrong notes all the time flat style. The singing in the original is tons better. But the guitars in Iron Maiden crush the original. They need original singers Maiden guitars. Or just get Bruce to re sing it. He won't fuck it up.

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I am sure you have already seen video of this stupid union lady. People like this is why the kwon soo was invented.


I you wanna have a kick ass song, just go ahead and call it Doctor Doctor.


SEE?

Soccer

Ok, I admit I am excited about the world cup. Anyone else? I forget how exciting soccer is till the world cup comes around. Then I immediately forget.

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Goddamn volcano in Iceland is contributing majorly to man-made global warming.
Stupid man.

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Eskimos are creepy. I didn't know that they feast like beasts on raw elk. I don't really know much about Eskimos but I've been told a thing or two...

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Unfortunate restaurant names.

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Stuart Visits Egypt

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This guy represents everything Keese hate about the ipad. He reeeeeaaaally wants people to notice him and his precious.

So smug.

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Happy Easter Y'all!

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Why yall didnt do this when yall were there?

Books to Hold and Read

Yeah, that's right. I read books. Everybody look at the fancy boy. OOOOOOOO I think I'm soooo smart and like to say how the movie isn't as good as the book they made it from. Fine. Here is a list of books. It is not top ten list of the all time best books or anything it is just a list of books that I have read that are awesome. If you have an Amazon Ken Doll you should put these on it. Please tell me some awesome ones you know about that I haven't read and I will get on it.

The Autobiography of H.L. Menken.
(or the full trilogy "Happy Days", "Newspaper Days", and "Heathen Days")

You should actually read anything that Menken wrote. He is fantastically funny and clever. He didn't write fiction but was a newspaper editor and book reviewer and as a wonderfully funny way of describing everything. He also is responsible for coming up with a lot of the common expressions used today such as "those who can do, those who can't teach".

His autobiography is basically just a collection of amusing anti-dotes from his life. A couple of my favorites are the one where he and his buddy are desperately seeking alcohol in Tennessee during prohibition and another one where this fat bastard in a tavern eats and drinks absurd amounts and everyone bets on it.

Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (Mark Twain)

I am such a bad ass that this has been my favorite book of all time long before I even knew that the literary community generally agrees. If you haven't read it yet, get going. It's a story of a boy in antebellum Missouri who escapes down the Mississippi river on a raft with a runaway slave. It is a great story but more importantly is very well written and has a subtext of social commentary and is laugh out loud funny in places which is hard to do with a book.

A Connecticut Yankee In King Arthur's Court (Marcus T'Wayne)

As with Menken you should pretty much read anything Twain wrote. He was cleverer than you and writes better than basically anyone. This one is about a Connecticut yankee man who somehow gets blasted back to the middle ages and has all kinds of trouble and adventure with the idiot mindset of middle ages jerks. It is also a commentary of stupid crap of current society. There are some laugh out loud bits in this one as well.

Mysterious Stranger (Mark Twain)

I don't want to give away any spoilers on this one. It is probably my second favorite book and isn't funny at all. In fact it is absolutely soul crushing.

Harry Potter. All of them. (JK Rowling)

I know these are supposed to be children's books but they are well written and fun to read. I also don't need to hear about plot holes and implausability. It's not "believable shit that could actually happen", it's "the magic boy who flys around on a broom". Calm down and enjoy yourself.

Lord of Them Flies (William Golding)

A plane load of English school boys crashes on a deserted island during WWII and no adults survive. This one is an absolute treat.

Catch 22 (Joseph Heller)

This is a WWII novel that is so cleverly written and funny I have to read passages again to re-enjoy. It is set mainly in a bomber squadron camp. There are quite a few wonderful circular logic conundrums that arise in this one. The main one goes like this. If you are crazy then military rules say you don't have to fly your dangerous mission. However, if you don't want to fly your dangerous mission then that proves you are sane because only someone who is crazy would want to fly it. Since you are sane you now have to fly the deadly bomb run. There are also a lot of interesting situations and side stories. My favorite being when the guys go to visit the fat French whore who attracts business by snapping her huge panty waist at the guys passing by.

Watership Down (Richard Adams)

This is the story of bunny rabbits that hop across the countryside in search of a new home. Sounds terrible. It isn't. Martin always says it's not the story so much as the telling that makes it good and that is true of this one. I also recently found out this one has a sea quill so I will have to check that one out to see if is even close.

Of Mice and Men (John Steinbeck)

Two drifters go work on ranch for a little bit. One is normal, one is a big strong dummyhead who likes to pet furry animals. Another example where the telling makes all the difference.

To Kill a Mockingbird (Harper Lee)

This one is kinda like two books in one. There is the first part where it is about a girl in I think it was small town Mississippi growing up. Then midway through it turns into a whole racial injustice thing with a black dude falsely accused of raping the SHIT out of a white girl.

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