Some One Took a Dump on My Bed

We have been having a cold snap up here in NYC. The number one hazard with a cold snap around here is not that you will freeze to death but that you will get roasted to death in your apartment. They have this stupid heating system up here where they pump scalding hot steam into your apartment whether you like it or not. And you don't like it. You hate it. Who the hell likes to sweat inside? Jerks.

So the other night I am lying in bed just sweating to death. Without exaggeration it had to be over 100 degrees in there. Just stupid. I opened my window to let in some air but even though it was wide the fuck open it couldn't let in enough cold air to counteract the horrible pressure cooker radiator at the foot of the bed.

Luckily, I have another room where the radiator is broken. It ain't got a bed though but it has a couch. I dragged my blankets and pillows and stuff in there and had to snuggle up real good cause it was beautifully chilly in there. Problem solved.

So the next morning I go to get clothes from the bed room and wear them. My apartment is so old it doenst have light fixtures. You gotta plug in a lamp if you want light. I only have one lamp and it is in the other room cause you don't really need light in a bed room. You only lay down and sleep in there. And it's not like you need to turn on a light just to check that there is nothing waiting to jump out at you. It's not a horror movie. Nothing is gonna be hiding in your bedroom and then jump out and scare the shit out of you right?

Wrong! Something jumped out and scared the shit out of me. I couldn't see if it was a demon or a ghost or a Dracula or what cause it was dark and my eyes had not adjusted yet. But I could sure hear the shit out of whatever it was. It sounded like the whole room was atwitter with spooks. I tried to jump to the side to get away from whatever the hell it was but was impeded by my bicycle which I have to keep in my tiny bed room due to space constraints. Instead of leaping clear I banged my hip on the seat and kinda halfway somersaulted into my closet on my noggin.

From this vantage point I was able to see what manner of horror I was dealing with. Pigeons. A whole flock of pigeons had snuck in through the open window and were partying all over my stuff in their own little birdy sauna. Most of them bolted straight out the window and escaped but two were so stupid they just kept flapping around the room dropping filthy tufts of diseased feathers all over the place. I finally chased them out and closed the window and got my wearing clothes on and went to work.

That was 2 days ago. I have been on the coach the past couple of nights but today seemed warm enough that I could maybe sleep in the bed without dehydrating. So when I got home I went to move my blankets and such back into the bedroom when I noticed that the pigeons had left me a present. Little piles of green and white bird shit all over the bed and floor. If you ever get invited to a pigeons party do not go cause those fuckers got no class. So now I gotta stay on the couch again until the sheets get back from the cleaners and I have a new theory I am working on maybe making into a law one day:

Pigeons Suck.