Obama Wins Peace Prize

Hurray!!! About time he got some recognition for all the....uh...wait a minute. What exactly did he do?

Dream Interpreter

Last night I dreamed I was in Gandhi's entourage at a rally in Mexico. The cops came in wearing sombreros and chained us all together and arrested us. What the hell could that mean?

Schroedinger's Cat

I always thought the dead/alive cat thing was silly. Even the genius dude who thought up the example didn't really think the cat was two things:

Schrödinger was as aware of this as anybody. He talks about his hypothetical cat and says, more or less, “Okay, if you believe what my equation says, you must believe that this cat is dead and alive at the same time.” He says, “That’s obviously nonsense, because it’s not like that. Therefore, my equation can’t be right for a cat. So there must be some other factor involved.”

800 Dead in Afgahnistan in 8 Years

That doesn't really seem too bad to me for a war. Especially since I am currently watching a sweet documentary series on WWI. That war was brutal.

Just how badly do you want those Dodgers tickets?

Email forward from today.

Where is nilk skinny pic?

You got before and after pix? I think I am about 4-5 lbs lighter since two weaks ago. Don't have a scale but can really tell pants getting floppy. I need to do at least another 5 by race day.

Where is nilk skinny pic?

Wanna Chonga

Sunday we are making Chimi Chongas at the Saints game at Marx. I can't wait but I gotta pay for it in advance with no eating all week. Them chongas gonna be so good.

Running Sux

I should be able to finish the 5k but damn if I will do it with any kind of speed. I ran today and nearly died. Hopefully it was just cuz I didn't eat a damn thang all day and was starving.

Children at Church

Worshiping.

Taxi

Do NYC cabbies have to take you anywhere in the city? If you grab a cab at Yankee Stadium does he have to take you to JFK if you request it? Staten Island to Harlem? Or can they just say sorry dude, you gotta walk and bus it like Martin.

Bad Guys Busted

Well, we caught the bad guys on camera and they will be arrested. I did a little sleuthing around and was able to figure out that there were 2 people involved with the mugging. I even found out their names and where they live. Yesterday I went to the police station to view some security video they uncovered that they thought might show the bad guys.

The video shows me walking by followed by the exact two bad guys who I figured were involved stalking me. A couple of minutes later shows the knifeman running away. I knew for sure the knife guy was involved but was delighted to see that not only was I right about the other guy but now had evidance to back me up. And the cops agree with me and will be picking them up. I may get to do some sweet testifying if I am lucky. I really hope I get to gloat and rub they stupid faces in the fact that I win in the end. I also want my 5 bux back.

Girls Rock the Boyz

Thursday night I was walking home from the country gig. I should play more gigs btw cuz I fucking kill em. Anyway, at about 110th st as I get close to Columbia this drunk college couple is hanging out in front of a bar. By drunk I mean hammered and they are having a kinda of argument. I overhear the dude (who was humongous) saying that he likes to flirt with all the girls in all the bars but it doesn't mean anything cause he never fools around with them.

So as I am walking past, the chick (who was fantastically hot) says "well how about this then" and she turns to me and raises her shirt, under which there is no brassier, and shows me a perfectly shaped boobie. Not the set, just a single.

So now the dude is mad. But he's not mad at her. Nooooo. He's mad at me. Like I did anything. So he yells at me "oh yeah, I bet you like that huh? You like that?" Of course I loved it. Who wouldn't? But that doesn't mean he should be mad at me. He should be mad at her slutty ass. He is only falling for her tricks cause this is exactly the reaction she wanted from him.

I didn't have time to say all that though and he was so drunk I doubt I could have gotten him to understand my dead-on point so instead I just stammer "I'm just walking by man".

"Yeah?" he says "well KEEP walking."

Then I hear the girl holler at me "yeah, keep walking!"

Ridiculous. She was the one showing boobie to start the whole trouble. Not me. When I was a block away they were already making out hard core.

Some Things Just Don't Seem Like They Should Mix

I got an email invitation to a rock climbing/whiskey tasting event.

The Race is On

So Mark and Martin and me are doing a 5k jog next month. O horrible jogging. I have been running every day and it is getting easier but I really gotta lose some delicious weight if I gonna go fast. Trouble is this is the beginning of football season and I really enjoy a beer and a football game.

And by "a beer" I mean several beers. And by "a football game" I mean nachos.

Righteous

For Beverley

Just kidding, this one's for her

God willing, I'll be seeing these holy hitz live on Friday. Amen.

Fashion Comes Back Around

Why oh why can't this hairstyle come back?


I mean, whoever looked at this hairstyle and thought "well, i guess it's now completely fucking stupid looking. Let's give it a shot"?

Personalized Links

For Me Only

For Mark Only

For Jock Only

For Nilk Only

For Martin Only

Muggenator

So, did you really get robbed at knife point?

Of Course.

Where?

In the ribs.


I am kinda pissed that I chickened out and didn't fight the mugger but it was certainly the smart choice cause losing a knife fight is tons worse than losing a regular one. I am kinda proud though that I didn't really freak out and think I handled myself rather admirably during the whole ordeal all things considered.

It wasn't nearly as scary as you would think to have a masked knife man telling you he is gonna fuck you up. I think it was because this particular knife man was so scared and nervous himself that he didn't really menace me properly. Plus, he was about my size and I kinda thought I could beat him up if it came to it.

I guess to have a true test of how brave I am I would need to get mugged by a huge muscle dude who was a pro and not nervous and scared at all come at me and see how I react.

But I ain't going out of my way to volunteer for that.

Goddamn Bums

I told you those bums were getting more aggressive. I just got robbed at knife point. Well, not JUST. A few hours ago. I been chillin at the police department. 10 points to the first person who can guess what he looked like.

American Dummy

I always felt kinda dumb about myself cause I don't know shit about American history and the presidents. Werl no more. Last night I memorized all 44 presidents in order. It weren't hard. All I had to do was write a boring little song about them and now they are all upstairs for good. If only someone would write a song with every english word followed by the spanish translation.

Also, Remember this?

Militant Obama Kids.

Also, Remember this?

Militant Obama Kids.

I Pledge

Have you seen this puke inducing I Pledge video? One of the pledges is "I pledge to be a servant to the president and to all mankind". A servant to the president? Fuck him. He's my servant. How is this kinda shit even remotely thought to be cool?

Also they want you to not flush the toilet after you take a piss to save water. So you have a fester pool of sewer water in your living quarters. Piss on that.

Rich's Rule of Internet Usability

The internet is great source of information provided the thing you are interested is not likely to generate a profit for anyone.


EG

I could google Austia-Hungary and immediately get tons of useful facts about this empire of yore. No one thinks they can make any money off these facts so no one gives a fuck.

Google lasik eye surgery. Say I wanna know who invented it and what the fuck it is about. Well tons of fucks think they can make money selling me this service so no info is easisly available about it. Only fuckface clinics that want to sell me shit. I love capitalism but man do I sometimes hate capitalists.

Rich's Rule of Internet Usability

Only For Mark

Chonk

States I need to go to

I would like to visit all fifty states eventually. I am not really even close but here is what's missing:

Alaska
Connecticutcut
Hawaii
Idaho
Indiana
Iowa
Kansas
Maine
Minnesota
Montana
North Dakota
Ohio
Organ
South Dakota
Utah
Wisconsin
Wyoming

33/50

Parkside Show

Played a solo show last night. Bout 15 people came to see, all strangers. Killed em. Best songs of mine crowd reaction wise were:

BoomshakalakalakaBoomshakalaklakaBoomshakalakalakalakalake Blues

Hard Drinkin Woman

Sweet Country Pussy.

Hard Sports

What thing in sports looks the easiest but is really hard? I nominate boxing. It looks so simple. Just punch that dude head. But if you ever try to hit a head that is dodging and weaving it is impossible. Plus it is exhaustinating. Go try to throw punches in the air for 3 minutes. You wont last the round.

McDonalds black?

What is up with this?

End of US?

The US debt is getting close to 12 TRILLION. The PROJECTED deficit for the next 10 years was just raised to 9 trillion. So unless something changes the national debt will be 21 trillion at that time. The USA GDP is only 14.3 trillion. Pretty soon we are gonna have more debt than we can pay off in a year if all we did was pay off debt. The interest alone on 21 Trillion will be close to a trillion bucks per year.

Currently the US debt per citizen is $38,000. Private debt per citizen (credit cards, mortgages etc.) is $24,000. So the US needs $62,000 per citizen to be debt free. Per capita income (average income) in the US is $40,000. Good luck paying off the $62,000 per.

What gets really scary is when you look at the unfunded liabilities of Medicare, Social Security and the new Federal Presciption Drug buy plan we now have. The government will need to drain $192,000 per person to fund those programs at the current benefit rate.

So a grand total of $254,000 per person is needed presently and they want to add another 9 Trillion in debt to our bill. A quarter of a million dollars per person or we are fucked.

We're Fucked.

WWI

Does anyone else love World War One? Most people think WWII is where it's at but I for me the sequel can't live up to the real thing. Anyone know any good WWI movies?

Bad Ad Placement

Stupid computer geniuses.

Movie Star

I was an extra in another movie today. That brings my NY movie total up to two. SeeSaw (I'm in the trailer but there is no way you will see me) and now Joe Average.

Labor Pains

Why when baby announcements are made do people tell you that it was done with c section? I mean I don't mind knowing but isnt that kinda private info? People dont always go around telling about all their other medical info.

Prison

Why do they let prisoners rape and kill each other in prison? If it is as common as people act like it is it seems like cruel and unusual punishment. I can see making folk cool they heels in a cell but you wouldn't put someone in a cell with a crazy chimp who is gonna fuck em up. Why can you put them with a crazy human that will?

It Begins

Hell Yeah

Rich's Links of the Day

Wierd Song

New Poll

Global Warming Real Or Fake?

Sweet Optical Illusions

I want a house made out of these.

Jock Missed Out

Maybe it was better he missed this cause my knee didn't get bent in half but Wednesday was sweet mud football in central park with the Mexicans.

Y'all Seen Micheal Jackson's Hair Catch Fire Yet?

What are you saving it for?

Speaking of ABBA

THIS VIDEO combines the two funniest sub sets of human ever. Japanese aaaaand Seventies.

ABBA Elf

This dude from ABBA really looks like an elf to me. If I ever met an elf Andy didn't look like this I would tell him keep trying.

Tambourine

I am retarded at the tambourine. I don't have the best rhythm in the world but I am pretty damn good. If I really concentrate I can keep a steady beat. However, put a tambourine in my hand and I am constantly late. Something about the tambourine is fucked up and it somehow makes the sounds later than you think it is gonna make them and you sound like a fool. I woulda thought something was wrong with me but Mark was shitty at it too at first.

Sexiest Man

This story about Elvis grbec is pretty damn funny.

New Poll

Is Hillary Clinton a stupid cunt for having that special made sling? Can't she just have a normal sling like everybody or does she have to show off with everything? Or is it classy? maybe it's classy to get special made medical devices that tell your rank.

What you thank?

Switcheroo Number too/

Me and mark and martin went to mexico on vacation.

Martin came back to the hotel room with a kilo of cocaine.

"Dude" he says "this horrible mexican gave me a thousand bucks if we sneak this cocaine across the border".

"that seems dangerous" I say "how the hell are we gonna do that"?

"I don't know" he says "maybe put it in the tires of our car as we drive across".

"Or maybe we can put it in our shampoo bottles so the dogs won't smell it" He says.


Mark comes busting in from the other room all excited.

"I have an idea! We can each take an over loaded condom up our assholes" he says.

"I don't know" says I "what if it busts and all the cocaine gets in our systems'?

Mark looks confused "What cocaine"?

Joke Template

The Switcharoo.

This joke is when you think someone is talking about something but they are really talking about something else, preferably embarrassing. It's kinda hard to describe and is better just to give an example. So.....:


I was playing guitar at this little dive down town. I had played there before so they knew me. About halfway through the set I asked if anyone had any requests. From the back some dude started hollering "SWEET COUNTRY PUSSY. I WANT SWWWWEEEEET COUNTRY PUSSSSAY!!!!"

I was like "aw yeah? you like that song huh?"

He looked at me and said "What song?"

comediens

I saw a list of top 100 comedians and it is clearly stupid cause they had assholes like Lenny Bruce and George Carlin at the top. Those guys fucking suck. Louis CK is at the top pricks.

Pointless Question

My friend Troy axed me this one. Would you give up a leg to be able to travel mars and venus in person?

I said hell no. He said he would do it. I told him he was a fucking idiot.

Bette Davis Eyes

I never knew Mark choreographed a video until I got to the face slap part of this one.

Global Wazzu?

So how psyched are you that the house of reps passed "the largest tax in American history" yesterday? I am super psyched because they did it so that we will stop the climate from changing. You know, the thing that has been constantly changing since the beginning of the earth? That thing. It will now stop changing because we have figured out what the perfect climate is and we know how to control it. Politicians will now be reffered to as Jesuses.

Micheal Jaxon

So he died and all. What a truly weird dude. He may have been the craziest person ever still capable of speech. He was also pretty evil I guess. I mean if you list terrible things to do, raping children has to be very high on the list. Probably raping them to death is number one.

He could sing like the dickens though. What is your favorite song of his? Mine is Smooth Criminal.

Men At Work

At work ripping off children's songs.

Show this Friday

Find a bad song in our set list. You can't.

Two Shots Of Whiskey

Daddy Don't Live Here No More

Paternity Test

Prettiest Girl In The Bar

Dive Bar

Whiskey

Small Town Woman

You Caught My Eye
Hard Drinking Woman
Baby Come Home and Eat Biscuits With Me

Covers will be:

If You've Got the Money Honey, I've Got the Time (Willie Nelson)
The Race

(George Jones)
East Bound and Down (Jerry Reed)
Holiday Road (Lyndsay Buckingham)
Angel Flying Too Close To The Ground (Willie Nelson)
Mama Tried (Merle Haggard)
Hey Good Looking (Hank Sr)
Baby's Got Her Blue Jeans On (Mel McDaniel)

Rich's Links of the Day

Retarded Policeman

Remember That Time?

..............

Sometimes Good Musicians do Kareoke Too

Just listen to Lyndsay Buckingham pretend to sing.

Greatest Instrument

Probably piano. Maybe guitar. Piano cause it can pretty much play any part and if you have a competent pianist you can put on a show with out any other instruments. Guitar too but less so.
Guitar is great cause name your top 100 favorite songs and guitar is probably in all of them.

Greatest instrument you don't really hear is bass. If all of a sudden the bass gets dropped out of a song you are hearing it really sounds much worse. Funny thing is bass sounds pretty terrible by itself. If you listen to just a bass line you will be bored as hell but add it to a song and rock the fuck out. Same thing for drums but they are much more obvious in casual listening. My favorite thing about recording fattest girl was when the dude would drain the drums and bass out so we could hear the vocals and then when he brought them back it it was like dropping the hammer.

Pedal Steel

Man was that guy ever awesome. I was kinda embarrassed to play along he was so good. The band is now approximately 300% better.

Pedal Steel

I get to practice with the pedal steel guy today. Very excited. The band is gonna sound sweet as hell pretty soon. Also, my meet up group has so far gotten 29 people to express interest in coming to the gig next week. Maybe good band, good crowd is the way to go.

Good Deed Averted

I found a phone in the cab Saturday Night. The owner called and I tole him to text his address to it and I would get it to him. No problem right? Well, his phone ran out of juice and I have no idea where he lives and my charger doesn't match his phone.

Cluster Fuck.

Do You Have Gay Hands?

I saw a study recently that researched a bunch of gay and straight dudes and found that if you are straight your ring finger is noticably longer than your index finger. If you are gay they are about the same. Of course I had to immediately check my hands out to see which clubs I would be hitting this weekend......

good 3/8 of an inch straight.

Suprise?

I can't believe government doesnt know what the hell it is doing!

late night

I can hear a hard core fist fight going on outside. Lots of yelling and fighting sounds and girls screaming.

Glass breaking.

Now cop siren.


In other news here is one of my favorite tv theme songs.

Toys L Us

Here is a sweet example of a chinaman switching the L's and R's.

New Band Memer

Got a new dude in the band. It is the sweet pedal steel player in this video. It is not the horrible cheesy singer dude.

Poison Ivy

We has three and a half trees knocked down by Hurricane Gustav, and we got an additional three trees removed afterward. The tree guys take all the wood and grind the stumps as part of the deal. But what they do not do is dispose of the stump shavings, leaving it up to me.

So I bought a pitchfork and tossed that shit into the back of my truck. It took me nine loads to dispose of it all. If you're wondering why I didn't use it for mulch, it's because it's too acidic right after it's been cut. So where I dumped it apparently had poison ivy, or as the doctor calls it, dermatological disorder, and I got it really bad.

I haven't had poison ivy since 2000, when I missed a week of work. I had some bumps here and there, but I just figured my immunity was building, which allegedly happens. But this time I got it on my eyes, which swelled to the point where I could hardly see. I remembered rubbing my eyes, which means the the poison ivy was probably not in my yard, but rather where I dumped the shit at the undisclosed location. I suffered badly for three days before I got a steroid shot, after which I not only dominated in volleyball, but didn't sleep for two days. But the rash went away. Thanks for performance enhancing drugs. Would a baseball player get suspended if he got a poison ivy shot?

In Other News

I started a country music meet up group in New York City. Martin thinks I am a horrible idiot and person but 11 people have said they will come to my next gig on the 26th of June. We'll see who is right.

Rich's Links of the Day

Nothing has been happening.

Hawk

I saw a big ass hawk the other day in central park. it chilled for a while then swooped down and ate a squirrel. How can squirrels take to live with the possibility of that hanging over they heads?

Old Joke

When Martin and I started working at Don's Seafood and Steakhouse they were very adamant about keeping up the image and professionalism of the establishment and wait staff. Before they would allow any waiter on the floor they made you watch this video tape. Not only that you had to sign and date a document saying that you had watched the tape and fully understood what it was about and everything it had said and agreed to act in accordance with it.

The video tape?

Tron.

Rich's Links of the Day

Galifinakus is wierd.

Dreams

Anyone have any cool dreams lately? I love kick ass dreams. Sooooo weird sometimes and yet you are tricked that they are real. I had a horrible nightmare this week that Mark got his left leg pulled off by the engine of a pleasure boat. I had to squeeze his floppy arteries to keep him from bleeding to death. Why the hell would I do that do myself? What makes me wanna think up that and scare myself with it?

Swine Flu

To me there's only one question: How can we get rich off this shit?

Rich's Links of the Day

Mind Yo Biznass

James Brown

Sometimes James Brown didn't feel like writing a fucking song. But there was a show to do so fuck it.

OOOOOOhhhhhhh Shit

They invented the term lol for this video.

Jokes I Don't Get

"Tennis Anyone?"

People will say it when they see something tennis related. Others will laugh. I have no idea why. Doesn't seem to work with any other sport or activity.

"Dr. Livingston I Presume?"

Similar to tennis anyone but there seems to be no special reason why people say this one. Apparently it goes back to some British dude named Dr Livingston who went to Africa and then another British went looking for him and when he found him he said this and they both fell out laughing.

"Taste Like Chicken"

If someone tries a new dish and they are asked how it was they will say this. Hilarity ensues.

"What Exit?"

If a New York meets someone from New Jersey they will ask this and all the New Yorkers laugh. I have gotten several different people to try to explain this one to me. They say it is because there is the Jersey Turnpike which goes all the way down Jersey and people who live in Jersey have to exit to go home. This seems like it would be true for most states though.

"You Workin Hard or Hardly Workin?"

If you work in a plumbing supply house at least 25% of the plumbers who come in to buy shit will say this to you every day. Even if they said it 4 times already in the week, on Friday they will still say this at you. Your coworkers will laugh. You will not.

Volley

To see my pictures from Fud's you should be able to click here. As I looked back through them I regret not getting more pictures of the tournament as a whole. I fear you can't grasp the sheer size of it. Also more chix.

And good god no would any team of us beat that wallyball team Nilk posted. No way.

Rich's Links of the Day

Google Search results can predict the future. I just googled "I win the lottery and start gyrocopter polo league."

Heaven

Help Us Baby's Got Her Blue Jeans On

Protesters

You know how they have protesters? I hate that stupid shit. Who do they think opinions they changing? No one's. I especially hate how proud they are of themselves for getting arrested. The only way you get arrested is if you intentionally want to be. No one believes your stupid story of police brutality.

Swine Flu

Y'all worried? I remember when it was bird flu everyone vexed over. Wake me up when they get to Donkey Bronkitus.


AKA Donkey Bronk.

Band of Brothers

I just saw a clip of Band of Brothers when they were parachuting into Normandy on D Day and couldn't help thinking the director made a huge mistake in scoring the film by not using "It's Raining Men" for that scene.

The 300 Dude didn't fuck up.

Obama's 100 Days`

Obama is bout to complete his first 1oo days and his supports are claiming him as the best president ever. How the hell can anyone claim something like that either way after such a short time? Jackassery.

In a related story I am working on a Super Hero personality for the pres named

" 'morock Yomama "

I forgot to add that he battles crime by going to the bad guys' house and fucking their mom.

Sets on the Beach

I've been playing organized volleyball for a few years now, working my way up from sand virgin through the ranks. This spring I finally started playing in "A" Leauge with the big boys, and it's challenging but I'm competitive. I made a big jump from last spring and I'm proud of my progress.

However, tomorrow I leave for Destin for five days to play in the big Fudpucker's tournament. This will be the metric to see how good I really am, as people come from all over to play in this largest amateur sand volleyball tournament in the nation. But of course, even if I play badly I'll be on the beach for five days and there are parties every night and pickup ball every day. I hope to have pictures.

Poll Results

100% of Americans think Obama is making us look like pussies. (margin of error +/- 3%).

He sure didn't help his cause by paling around with Hugo Chavez and accepting a book from him that basically said "fuck you America".

Shitty Parking Spot

The is a parking spot underneath the subway station by my house that totally sucks. First of all it is an illegal parking spot so if you park there you will get a ticket. It has no signs or indication at all that I can see telling you it is illegal. The only way I know is I see cars there with tickets all the time.

Second of all, for some reason the subway station is 40 feet up in the air here. The station one stop up is underground. The one one stop down is underground. But here, it is a skyway. You would never be able to tell when you parked in this spot but right above it is apparently the coolest place to hang out if you are a filthy pigeon. So every day when I come home I see a car in that spot covered with tickets and massive amounts of pigeon shit.

I call the name

A while ago Martin and I were watching a baseball game in a bar near two Korean dudes. Martin started talking to them about something or other and I thought they were talking about a chinese player. His last name was apparently Chiu (pronoced chew) cause I thought martin called him "Big League Chiu". I thought it was a fucking awesome nickname for a chinese ball player. Turned out however Martin was actually talking about bubble gum.

So when a chinese dude named Chiu eventually shows up in the the big time and everyone starts calling him "big league chui" you'll know who to thank.

Me baby.

Rich's Links of the Day

Yall see this dude pass out on tv yet? He tells what he is gonna do then he does it. All that is missing is him say "down I go".

We saw Dolly Parton tribute Saturday. The chick who sang this was the best.

Pointless Question

Humans don't have much hair as far as mammals go. Do you think we look as disgusting to other mammals as hairless dogs look to us?

Citi Field

Can I get a review? And where is Chapman's draft analysis for fantasy baseball?

Rich's Links of the Day

Here we are. Born to be kings, we're the princes of the universe. Seriously what are the odds that BOTH parties would have a sword handy for the battle?

Women

Remember that time Jock axed about what women are bad at? I say sports. Women really bring the suck compared to dudes in general. The most annoying thing is you aren't supposed to notice it. Remember how Lilero got abused at the stock exchange for noticing that any NFL team could field a basketball team that would crush any WNBA team? Who would ever actually argue the opposite?

Keep in mind a major part of basketball is the slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam dunk.

New Poll

North Korea launched a missile and we didn't do shit. Pirates attack our boat and we not doing shit. Is Obama pussing out or is he doing aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalriiiiiiiight?

50 Dolla Tourny Losers

Alright Losers. Mail y'all chex to

184 Claremont Ave #5S
NY NY 10027

Luggage racks

Does anyone use them? When was the last time you saw luggage on a luggage rack? What percentage of luggage racks that you see on the Interstate are in use? Four-thousandths of 1 percent?

A cursory view out of my office window reveals eight cars, five of which have luggage racks. And you don't see them on sedans anymore, just on SUVs. Wouldn't you need it more on a sedan and less on an SUV?