Humans actually are Badass

I have always been kinda disappointed at how shitty humans are compared to other animals. Other animals are complete badasses. They are lighting fast, strong as shit, agile and lithe and pretty much physically kick that all hell out of humans at everything physical. I always figured it was due soley to craftiness that allowed humans to be the dominators we are but I recently read some biology shit that points out that humans are actually really much better at some physical things I hadn't thought of before.

1. Walking. That's right walking. Get up and take a few strides. Easy as hell right? You damn right it's easy and as it turns out humans are better at walking than any other creature. Due to our wonderful sense of balance and leg bone structure we use the least amount of energy to walk of any animal. Even animals closely related to us like the chimpanzee use 4 times the amount of energy walking around. Other animals get there quicker, but we get there easiest.

2. Running. Distance running that is. In a sprint we get crushed by everything but our easy walking gait turns into a sustainable run that we can keep up for hours on end. You may not believe it but if you are in good shape you can outrun a gazelle. I actually saw a nature show where these tribal savages ran after a gazelle for 3 hours. At first the gazelle just sprinted away from them but eventually it got so hot and exhausted it said "fuck this" and collapsed on the ground. The humans who use less energy per mile and can sweat buckets (another thing we are really good at) didn't over heat and collapse and just walked up and bonked it on the melon with a brick.

3. Getting Fat. There are a few animals really good at this and we are one of them. Bears and pigs and whales kick ass at it too but we are up there. You may hate it when trying to pick up chicks or trying to avoid being mocked by your friends but your fat gut is huge advantage to have if you are an animal. And you are so congratulations! This one is pretty obvious. When you run out of food you just use your embarrassing fat to power yourself along to catch more gazelles. Other monkeys and primates kinda suck at being fat.

4. Throwing shit. Humans are the best throwers of shit. I know I have been to the zoo and saw the gorrilla throw the shit out of some shit. He could really chuck it far because he is so damn strong but it turns out not only can humans throw farther, we can hit what we are aiming at. There aren't really even that many animals in contention on this one cause very few even have hands but we beat em all. And being able to throw shit makes you a huge badass compared to other animals. A wolf might be able to tear you to bits with his scary teeth but not if he gets blasted in the face with a rock first. Also picking up a stick and wapping something with it is a big plus too and is kinda like throwing but without all the letting go part.

So anyway. There you go. Go walk around and throw things at other things and feel good about your fat ass. You're the best!